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They will play 162 games in three different countries and stay in God knows how many different hotel rooms by the time their little season is finished.

The Montreal Expos are Team Samsonite, playing 22 of their 81 "home" games in Puerto Rico, and the fun begins Friday when the Expos open their first Puerto Rican stand against the New York Mets (Atlanta and Cincinnati follow the Mets in for what, for the Expos, will be a 10-game "homestand" in Puerto Rico).

Frank Robinson says he hopes his players will make the most of the team's trips to Puerto Rico. (Getty Images)

Hello, Rand McNally? We'd like to speak with a consultant, please.

Don't forget to pack extra suitcases ...

"I'll just dress a little dirtier, wear dirty clothes," pitcher Joey Eischen quipped.

We're guessing that Magellan had an easier travel schedule back when he was discovering new land masses in wooden ships while battling scurvy outbreaks, and his road record wasn't nearly that of the Expos' to start: They were 34-47 last season away from Olympic Stadium. So what should we expect this summer -- other than bloodshot eyes and bed heads?

"It's what the team wants to turn it into," manager Frank Robinson says. "If they use it as an excuse, it will be a disadvantage. If they go out and play, it can be an advantage. I think we'll probably use it as an advantage."

Perhaps. Maybe at the start.

But whatever the mindset of the players, and whatever approach Robinson and general manager Omar Minaya take, odds are that by season's end, the Expos will be as ground up as that package of turkey you picked up at the market the other day.

That major league baseball has placed the Expos at a competitive disadvantage with this holding-pattern plan while everybody figures out what to do with them next is not even debatable.

Of course, the bright side is what usually is the bright side in any situation like this: There's money to be made.

The Expos had sold more than 5,000 22-game season-ticket packages in Puerto Rico by this spring, at an average of $34 per ticket in U.S. currency (compared to the season-ticket prices that average $12 at Olympic Stadium, $16 Canadian).

Breaking that down on a per-game basis, and conservatively figuring that the 20,000-seat stadium in Puerto Rico will be about 90 percent full, and the Expos figure to make at least $5 million, and possibly as much as $8 or $9 million from the deal.

Plus, Major League Baseball has guaranteed the Expos some cash as well and, well, the upshot of the whole thing is that perhaps the red ink will recede at least enough so that the Expos won't be forced to shop all-world outfielder Vladimir Guerrero at the July trade deadline this summer. Then, perhaps, if the Expos hold a couple of bake sales and car washes ...

On the other hand, after this schedule, they may be gasping for air and be so far out of the race that they'll decide to deal, anyway.

"We do have some challenges, no doubt," Minaya says. "Ideally, you'd rather play 81 home games. But we can't do that.

"Last year, the challenge was contraction. This year, it's Puerto Rico and the road trips. But I think the club stepped up to the challenge last year, and I think it will again. We finished in second place last year, and we were over .500.

"Some people thought it was a miracle."

That's not too far from the truth, and it leads to the next obvious question:

Heck, if it's Puerto Rico this season, why not schedule the barnstorming Expos for a few games at Lourdes next summer?

It couldn't hurt.

"I don't really like it, to tell you the truth," Eischen says. "You've got to play with the hand you're dealt, but we've got an extra 22 road games. We've got two 20-plus game road trips.

"We'll see where we are in June. If we're doing all right in the first half of the season, we should be OK once we get through those trips."

There are three trips to Puerto Rico on the Expos' itinerary this season:

• The first is April 11-20, and what's notable about that is it comes following a scheduled nine-game trip to Atlanta, New York and Chicago to open the season. Which means that the Expos essentially will be away from their homes from mid-February, when spring training started, through their Montreal home opener against Arizona on April 22. That's a whole lot of time ordering room service and hanging around hotel coffee shops.
• The second is June 3-8, and what's notable about that, besides the Puerto Rico-to-Seattle trip, is that the Expos will go from May 25-June 20 between games in Montreal.
• The third is Sept. 5-14, and what's notable about that is, if by some miracle the Expos hang around the pennant race, other than three games against Atlanta in Montreal Sept. 15-17, they'll be on the road from Aug. 29 through the end of the season on Sept. 28.

For some Expos, such as pitcher Javier Vazquez and second baseman Jose Vidro, both of whom are natives of Puerto Rico, the summer could be one grand adventure.

Mostly, though, it could be one giant test of sleep deprivation.

Word is, the Expos' charter may have to stop for gas twice on that Puerto Rico to Seattle journey, it's so long.

"I don't know," Eischen says. "I'm not too excited about it. I don't like flying much as it is. They might have to tranquilize me for that flight."

Money, that's what I want ... that, or an opening day start

Given their white-hot start even in ice-cold temperatures, perhaps the Kansas City Royals will be starting a trend in years to come. Maybe clubs will decide their opening day starters in the future with coin flips.

Or maybe not.

But, hey, the wacky idea hatched by manager Tony Pena worked beautifully in helping get the Royals off to their undefeated start and consequently, general manager Allard Baird, who was against the idea at first, is on board with it.

The setup is this: Two youngsters, Runelvys (pronounced "Run-Elvis") Hernandez and Jeremy Affeldt, both were in line for the start after good springs, so Pena came up with the flip idea.

"It was unique, it really was," Baird said. "When I was presented with the idea by Tony, at first I said, 'You can't do that.'"

But there was a method to Pena's madness, so to speak, and once the manager explained himself, Baird relented.

"The psychology behind it for Tony when we talked was, 'Listen, we're dealing with two young pitchers, two guys who really want to do this (start on opening day) and who are both deserving. You know what? Let's make 'em feel good.'"

So Pena told both pitchers they deserved the honor of pitching opening day and then told them how he was going to decide it.

"I thought it was a great idea in our youth movement," Baird said. "When we did it, Affeldt was real disappointed, but more for making the wrong selection of heads or tails. He was happy for Runelvys. It was a neat thing for our situation and for our culture that (Pena) has helped create."

Maybe it won't be a deciding factor in Pena becoming manager of the year. But in hindsight, given their talented young arms and surprising start, the Great Kansas City Coin Flip now doesn't seem nearly as crazy now as it did in March.

Boom, Boom (Out go the lights)

Next thing you know, Texas will hang a poster of old Baltimore manager Earl ("Three-run homers are a manager's best friend) Weaver in their clubhouse. Not that the Rangers are a biceps-laden, one-dimensional offense right now or anything, but through midweek ...

• A total of 27 of the 31 runs the Rangers have scored through eight games have scored on home runs.
• The Rangers had 16 home runs against just 12 doubles (and no triples).
• They were batting .180 with runners in scoring position (11-for-81), and five of those 11 hits were homers.
• They were 1-for-12 with a runner on third base and 0-for-3 with the bases loaded.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

There's a new Mr. Coffee roaming the baseball fields these days. Cincinnati reliever Scott Sullivan sprung for a 12-cup coffeemaker for the Reds' bullpen in left-center field at the new Great American Ball Park.

The way the caffeinated Mr. Sullivan sees it, the bullpen is so far away from the Reds clubhouse -- located behind their first-base dugout -- that it's not like the guys waiting to pitch can make a quick trip into the clubhouse between innings.

Like any coffeehouse denizen, Sullivan also knows that you need more than simply a coffeemaker -- he also keeps a paper bag stashed with cups, filters, grounds and packets of creamer nearby in the pen.

But who'll play shortstop ... Red Smith?

As cold as it's been, something other than the coffee apparently has been freeze-dried.

"This is when I'd like to be a journalist, sit in a nice warm press box and eat a couple of hot dogs," Indians shortstop Omar Vizquel quipped the other day. "Just for a week or two. Then when the sun comes out I could go back and play baseball."

As long as Vizquel files both a game story and notebook, and doesn't blow deadline.

Sightseeing

Now that he's back as a Seattle coach, former Mariners manager Rene Lachemann and his wife, Lauri, took a ride down memory lane the other day, checking out their old neighborhood.

Among other things, they quickly noticed how much housing has skyrocketed in the two decades they've been gone.

"We sold our house for $82,000, and the house next door is selling now for $165,000," Lachemann, who managed in Seattle from 1981-1983, told Larry LaRue of the Tacoma News Tribune. "I guess that's similar to the difference between the Kingdome and Safeco Field."

The list

Best hamburger joints on the road:

1. In-N-Out
2. White Castle
3. Carl's Jr.
4. Rally's
5. Fatburger