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So I got quite a few e-mails from catspause.com posters after I wrote about the catspause message board in one paragraph of a 2,000-word NCAA Championship column. Evidently it provoked some sort of firestorm on the board that, you guessed it, completely proved my point in ridiculing those posters.
This was the most reasoned and intelligent e-mail I received from catspause posters. I kid you not, every apostrophe in this e-mail is exactly as I received it. I guess Andre''s apostrophe fixation has taken root in the Bluegrass. Each sentence was like its own reward. Opening with an apostrophe on idiots? It was too perfect for words. Evidently Kentucky schools no longer teach adding an s without an apostrophe. Who knew? Y'all did, that's who.
Chip writes:
In case you have not seen it, please see the attached link -- A female Olympic cyclist, Tammy Thomas, is being tried for lying to a grand jury investigating steroid use. One of the pieces of evidence against her are medical records showing that she had to shave her full beard. Proof may also show that when a federal investigator went to speak with her at her home, she answered the door with half a face of shaving cream. Definitely not BGID.
Well, the fact that "she" would answer the door with shaving cream on is clear evidence that "she" is actually a man. Most women are so paranoid about the mere shadow of hair on any part of their body that they all look like seals with breasts when they have naked pillow fights at the sorority house. (Right?) And, for you guys out there, the one thing you can't do is ever point out any hair that a woman has that isn't on top of her head. Ever. Don't do this.
My wife, like 99.9 percent of women, gets her eyebrows done. In high school she didn't. I picked up one of her high school yearbooks a few years ago. She said, "My hair looked funny then." I said, "Your hair? You have eyebrows like an immigrant." This was not a smart thing to say. So be forewarned. Who knew that 21st-century women didn't like being compared to 19th-century Ellis Island immigrants? Not me.
Kate Wallace writes:
In terms of per capita, Florida does belong at 11. We are by far the largest school in the SEC, and when selectivity goes up -- We only accept 48 of our more than 25,000 applicants every year -- the number of hot girls does not go up. Only their GPAs and test scores. Just think about it: if you think about who was making above a 1300 on their SAT at your high school, it was more than likely not the captain of the cheerleading squad. Florida's latest avg. SAT score is a whopping 1330 ... which is pretty high for a public school, particularly one in the south where education is way less competitive.
OK ... so my point is, Florida's girls are way less hotter per capita, but if you did get a good look at the girls who frequent University Ave. bars on a week night, I'd imagine you'd find them among the most attractive in the SEC ... We founded Publix, for God's sake, which is like the best grocery store ever! Hence, outrageous tailgating food.
Wow. Leave it to a Florida girl to write into the column over 1.5 years after my rankings of SEC girls and brag about Florida grads having founded Publix. Also, it's always a good move to publicly announce that smart girls can't be good looking cheerleaders. Women love that. For the record my wife is a former cheerleader who outscored me on the LSAT. Don't think for a minute that doesn't keep me up at night.
John Penland writes:
Does the thin chinstrap beard, ala UCLA's Kevin Love, count as BGID?
Great question. The answer is, generally speaking, no. I say generally speaking because some people grow the chinstrap in the absence of an ability to grow a full beard. That's permissible. But Kevin Love has been shaving since he was eight years old. So he's clearly choosing to go with the chinstrap. I just don't understand why you would go chinstrap if you're willing to go beard. That's like paying $100 for a steak at Ruth's Chris and then only eating the fat. Makes no sense.
