Kay's Korner: D.C. comical in nation of sports

No witty lead, just the sad, simple truth: Washington, D.C. is currently the most pitiful sports town in the country.

Like Allen Iverson, I'm not talking 'bout the Clevelands, Nashvilles or Portlands of the good ol' U.S. of A. I'm talking 'bout the big boys, the real cities. The ones with at least three (the L.A. loophole), but usually four major sports franchises.

Sorry, LeBron. D.C. is America's sports arm pit, not Cleveland. (Getty Images)

I'm talking about Chicago, New York, Miami, Detroit, Philadelphia, L.A., Dallas and Boston. All those, better than D.C. No way I'm wrong. Chicago has the White Sox and Bulls. Los Angeles has UCLA and the Dodgers. Dallas has the Mavericks and Cowboys. Detroit has the Tigers, Pistons and Red Wings. Miami has the Heat, and the Marlins are usually spicy. What does D.C. have?

Sam Perlozzo's former office. Well, not really, since the O's play in Baltimore.

But they were a front-page Washington Post team for a long time, and knowing that the once-proud franchise just burned through its third pedestrian skipper this decade is embarrassing. But yes, this isn't about Baltimore. It's about the nation's most-powerful city (JTII says so) being the laughing stock of the sports landscape.

Take the thermometer of the four major sports teams, add it to the current state of collegiate athletics and what you have is a scenario murkier than the Anacostia River, or to keep things current, the District's public school system.

But Eric, I'm not from D.C., what the dickens are you even talking about?

The dickens, my friend, is that this major, international city is failing and flailing at all things sports.

But Eric, I need examples.

Thought you'd never ask.

Why D.C. is a straight-to-DVD sports town

Redskins

Joe Gibbs II hasn't been as glorious as Joe Gibbs I. (Getty Images)

As the flagship of the Washington area, there is no NFL franchise, of the ones 10 years or older, that is routinely more laughable than the Burgundy and Gold. Their owner is delusional, their management team misguided and their coaching staff unorganized.

Year in and out, Daniel Snyder does his best Francis Buxton imitations -- Today's my birthday ... I want Adam Archuleta! -- while Joe Gibbs does his best to prove the game's passed him by.

White collar Vinny Cerrato, the wonderful racketball player he is, continues to show no backbone and annually neglects the draft. The frustration behind this element only grows considering the Redskins tend to do well when they actually do draft -- Chris Cooley, Chris Samuels, Ladell Betts and Fred Smoot to name a few.

The Redskins' rivalry with NFC East teams, the Cowboys in particular, is non-existent and the team's long-term prospects hardly shine. Gibbs is a goner after this season, meaning once again, new regime and new playbooks. A likely rift is bound to develop between heir-apparents Al Saunders and Gregg Williams (prepare for the "are you an Al or a Gregg?" debate) as the two position for the job of chaos controller.

The only thing keeping this franchise mildly entertaining was the colorful assortment of characters brought in. But then Clinton Portis becomes the latest to defend Michael Vick and well, let's just say I'm not going be too eager to buy into his multiple-persona shtick this time around.

Yeah, the XXVI win still brings that warm, fuzzy feeling, but that was so long ago in sports years that even Tony Kornheiser had hair back then.

Short-term prospects: Horrible considering a newbie quarterback and loaded NFC East. Long-term prospects: Horrible, considering a toy-collecting owner, mismanagement and aging coaching staff.

Last championship: 1991 (Three Super Bowl wins)

Playoff appearances this decade: One

Suckiness of note: One Patrick Ramsey-Shane Matthews-Danny Wuerffel QB controversy.

Nationals

How has Kasten's farm-system magic worked out for the Nationals? (Getty Images)

The team with the brightest future has the bleakest current state. Washingtonians are told wait for the new stadium, let president Stan Kasten work his farm-system magic and the Lerner family is in this racket for the long haul. That's cool, but what about the now?

Now the Nats throw glorified Double-A pitchers like Levale Speigner and Jerome Williams to the wolves night in and out. Their current modus apparatus is to serve as a platform for meddling vets to regain their game and be swapped to a contender for prospects come trade-deadline time. Meanwhile, skipper Manny Acta's main job description is "find us a few decent pitchers while being more chipper than a Starbucks barista."

In a sport valuing ballpark aesthetics and character nearly as much as the actual game on the field, the Nats play in a concrete hole in the ground that has as much charm as Mel Gibson three drinks deep at an Anti-Defamation League champagne brunch.

Sure, things can only get better for D.C. baseball, and we do have Matt Chico going every five days. But without any tradition -- it's hanging out in Minneapolis and Arlington -- in the Fiddler on the Roof of all sports, it's tough looking way up north to Boston, or heck, even less up north to Philadelphia. A losing tradition is still a tradition.

Short-term prospects: Putrid, considering half the team will be shipped out come late July

Long-term prospects: Good, but the waiting game is the hardest part.

Playoff appearances this decade: None

Last championship: Never

Suckiness of note: John "Ace" Patterson has zero seasons with 10 or more wins.

Wizards

Is Arenas on his way out? (Getty Images)

Remarkably, Les Boulez was sort of carrying the sports torch ever since Gilbert Arenas came to town. But after three-consecutive, second-place Southeast finishes that saw the team's record actually get worse each season, the team has hit a wall it doesn't seem ready to bust through.

While management's better than it's ever been with Big Ern Grunfeld calling the shots, the Wizards still haven't developed a big man of note since Gheorghe Muresan or found a point guard worthy enough to fill Rod Strickland's sneaks. Anybody ready for another try at the Brent Price era?

With Arenas talking of exodus and no fresh blood of note having been drafted over the past handful of years, the Wizards are at that "are we Kate Winslet or Katie Holmes" how-will-our-franchise-be-perceived conundrum.

Throw in owner Abe Pollin's advancing age, last season's epic meltdown and the franchise's recent 15-year courtship with failure and Gallery Place isn't looking so good these days. Plus, they're still called the Wizards.

The team does have the best fan-run basketball blog , so that's nice and all.

Short-term prospects: Decent, pending Gilbert comes back full strength.

Long-term prospects: Poor, pending Gilbert goes elsewhere.

Playoff appearances this decade: Three

Last championship: 1978 (only one)

Suckiness of note: Etan Thomas at six years, $36 million.

Capitals

How long will it take for Ovechkin to bring the Cup to D.C.? (Getty Images)

I get they're doing the whole build from the ground-up thing by stockpiling young talent to go with Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin. But the last time the team tasted the playoffs, Whoopi was NBC's can't-miss show.

Ted Leonsis, easily D.C.'s best owner, is the man. He wins at life. But he's no dummy either. He'll give players all the free AOL CDs they can stomach, but as for the payola, well he knows the current state of hockey. Point is, will I be shocked if he doesn't pony up the mega millions to keep Ovechkin when the time comes? Not at all. Especially if the Wizards minority owner starts joining Pollin on medical check ups. "Mind if I take a looksie at that chart, doc?"

Throughout the 1990s, the Caps were the Philadelphia Eagles of hockey. Always good, never great -- and that was nice. Now they're the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Building for a future that probably won't ever come thanks to hockey's non-profitable landscape.

Short-term prospects: Bad, shunning free-agency, it's another rebuilding year.

Long-term prospects: Bad, Washingtonian hockey fans always start biting their nails each time the word "contraction" is used by the commissioner's office.

Playoff appearances this decade: Three

Last championship: None

Suckiness of note: Letting local-boy captain Jeff Halpern walk for peanuts.

College basketball

With college basketball's second- or third-hottest coach, Georgetown's back on the national scene. But with no extension imminent for John Thompson III, it's a nervous delight on the Hilltop.

We can always expect George Washington to come up for air every once and a while and make a little bit of noise, but to expect any consistency from Karl Hobbs' under-resourced program would be unrealistic.

Maryland has the resources, but can't seem to get into college basketball's elite, which is frustrating considering Duke's recent woes and the supposedly diluted ACC. Gary Williams is slowly becoming a basketball dinosaur.

Suckiness of note: Williams' trademark sweat stains.

College football

More people in the Washington area keep a Kennedy Center event schedule on their fridge than a Terps football schedule.

Other

Lacrosse is the Emanuel Lewis of D.C. sports. It's cute, everyone generally likes it, but those same people keep saying, "just wait until it gets bigger." They've been saying that since Webster was on the air. The sport ain't getting any bigger.

Soccer and women's basketball are novelties to Washingtonians, sort of like the few remaining healthy animals at the National Zoo.