Futurepedia: The bat, 8-iron and uh, shuttlecock, of tomorrow - SPiN

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

SPORTS EQUIPMENT ADVANCES

In 2007, NASCAR experimented with a prototype of a new vehicle that would take its sport into a new era -- The Car of Tomorrow. Here are examples of how other sports leagues implemented their own equipment advances through the decades:

MLB: The Bat of Tomorrow: Upon Barry Bonds' passing in 2034 at age 70, it was revealed that his will contained a strange provision. His earthly remains would be metamorphosed into the ultimate baseball bat, and that bat would be cloned and given to every Major League Baseball player. It took until 2042 for scientists to complete this task, but upon delivery to ball parks, every player hit a home run on every pitch. Thus, playing defense in baseball had been reduced to hoping that opponents would neglect to tag a base while jogging to home plate. The Bat of Tomorrow program has been shelved indefinitely.

NFL: The Helmet of Tomorrow: Originally, the football helmet was invented to protect the head against fierce impact. Later, face shields became an option for those who wanted to avoid eye injuries. Then, technology began to creep in, and quarterbacks were allowed to receive radio signals from coaches. By 2014, every NFL player viewed the field through a Terminator-style infrared computer readout that predicted movements of everyone involved in each play. Eventually, it was decided it was easier, safer and more cost-efficient on medical costs for all NFL games to be played in a real-time virtual reality environment.

NHL: The Puck of Tomorrow: In one of its last-ditch efforts to win popularity, the league introduced a startling entertainment breakthrough: Pucks were implanted with artificial intelligence hardware and software. Thus, "The Live Puck" became a sentient robotic life form. The purpose was so that television broadcasts could be viewed from the puck's perspective, and audiences would be privy to the puck's reaction to being shot around the rink. Pucks could also comment on game strategy and player performance. Ultimately, this did not save the league from extinction in 2022, but The Live Puck became pop culture phenomenon in its own right. One ran for U.S. President in 2036 as a fourth-party independent, but gained a mere 0.76 percent of the popular vote.

Kentucky Derby: The Horse of Tomorrow: Whereas naturally bred horses once raced around a horsetrack, the advent of liquid metal shape-shifting horses in 2031 meant that the "thorough-cyberbreds" needn't ever leave the gate -- they just kept extending themselves until the winner completed a circuit around the track. Thus the cliche "win by a nose" became more relevant than ever.

Badminton: The Shuttlecock of Tomorrow: Instead of the basket-like design of the original badminton shuttlecock, it was deemed more aerodynamic to change the shape of the shuttlecock into a shape that more resembled a cock. And by that, of course, we mean "rooster."

Men's Soccer: The Riot of Tomorrow: There are many theories as to what constitutes a "ROT," but the phenomenon has proved to be impossible to completely describe. That's because since every reporter who has tried to describe events from the middle of a ROT has ended up with a beer bottle being smashed against his head.

Women's Soccer: The Goalie Change of Tomorrow: In honor of the Hope Solo debacle of the Women's World Cup in 2007, here is how every future Women's World Cup coach has approached his/her players in a holographic message about an ill-advised last-minute goalie change:

"Dear goaltender: Years ago, you served my father in the now-defunct Women's Professional Soccer Federation. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle to win a bronze medal. I regret that I am unable to present my request to you in person; but my team has fallen under an offsides trap and I don't want you to blast me in the media. I've placed information vital to the survival of women's soccer into the memory systems of this iSoccerBall. Otherwise, we'll never be invited into Pele's hot tub. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, disciple of Hope Solo; you're my only hope."

Curling: The Broom of Tomorrow: This is just a broom that has more bristles. Please don't get yourself too worked up about the future of curling.

Luge: The Luge of Tomorrow: For decades, engineers worked on how to make the luge more aerodynamic. Then in 2044, Nobel Prize-winning physicist Dustin D. McDusterson invented a patchwork hole in reality that allowed every luge team to instantly teleport to the finish line rather than ride down a hill. Since all luge attempts are now practically instantaneous, it has been added that the luge participant must than leap from the vehicle and see who can juggle six lawn darts for the longest time possible.

Cycling: The Drug of Tomorrow: What do you need? Meet me in the alley after you're done reading this edition of Futurepedia.

NBA: The Laker Girl of Tomorrow: As a perk for season-ticket holders after the team's winless 2039-2040 season, the Lakers gave each season ticket holder a Replicant version of a Laker girl for personal use. Each Replicant operated on a non-rechargeable three-year battery. In perhaps a related development, no male Lakers season ticket holder attended a game for the next three seasons.

Golf: The 8-iron of Tomorrow: In 2031, the World Governing Body of Golf decided that no clubs would ever again be allowed to be improved by technology. Except for the 8-iron. That thing, they tinkered the hell out of. Now, you can like order pizza from the moon with it.

NASCAR: Fuel of Tomorrow: The environmental and geo-political factors that led to the 2026 outlawing of gasoline as a fuel for cars are too numerous to recount here. Fortunately, technology had advanced to the point when nearly any other liquid in the world could be converted into automobile fuel. In 2027, Keystone beer took over NASCAR as league sponsor, and announced that its product would be converted into fuel for all league races. This provided racers with a practically unlimited fuel supply, since Keystone warehouses were stocked full of their product, because no one had ever drunk a Keystone beer in history.

Ultimate Fighting: The Punch to the Nose of the Future: Actually, the Punch to the Nose of the Future pretty much exactly resembles the Punch to the Nose that has existed since the human experience began. Some things you just can't improve upon.