Futurepedia: How boosters' inside info became TMI

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

SPORTS ORGANIZATIONS: College football boosters

In 2011, the NCAA relaxed its rules against allowing college football coaches to sell "insider" information to boosters who pay a premium to subscribe to a newsletter. Here is a sampling of the wealth of news revealed in such letters:

Dennis Franchione (Army): "Hi, everybody. I regret to inform you loyal boosters that this will be my final 'insider' newsletter. Even though I started this trend when I got caught at Texas A&M and it eventually cost me my job there, this visionary philosophy just doesn't seem to work at West Point. It turns out in my previous letter, I accidentally mailed you not just secret roster movements, but secret troop movements out of Baghdad. Oops."

Steve Spurrier (South Carolina): "Fans, I'm just as surprised and shocked as any of you all that PETA finally successfully got our school to ditch its Gamecock mascot. But the Board of Trustees has informed me that it has voted to change the school nickname to 'The Fighting Spurriers,' and, well shoot, I don't mind the compliment."

Charlie Weis (Notre Dame): "Good news for all your loyal Golden Domers who have stuck with us through what looks like now our fifth consecutive losing season. Although we lost our NBC network coverage in 2009, and had no football contract in 2010, the ink has dried on our new contract. The rumors are true -- we will be seen on Versus! Although on the third Saturday of every month, we may be pre-empted for a rodeo."

Nick Saban (University of Alabama): "Fellow worshippers, the time draws nigh for the consecration of our mystical allegiance to the almighty demonic forces of -- oops, that's not the letter I wanted to send to boosters."

Lloyd Carr (Appalachian State): "Oh, the mountain airs are beautiful in the Carolinas this time of year. Who said retirement meant staying away from the sidelines?"

Jim Tressel (Ohio State): "In my previous letter, I sent out a 'help' to see if anyone found my red sweater vest I lost during a speaking engagement in Sandusky. Well, I've checked my database of sweater vests, and I have discovered it was not a red sweater vest that I lost. It was a crimson sweater vest. So please keep your eyes peeled. And sorry if I caused any confusion."

Pete Carroll (USC Trojans): "Well, the lawyers have told me we've lost the final appeal. All our wins from the recent championship era have been thrown out, and we've been forced to return the national championship and Heisman trophies. That doesn't mean I haven't had a good time. Now if you don't mind, I'm interviewing for the latest head coaching vacancy at the San Diego Chargers. See ya."

Jim Harbaugh (Michigan): "Fans, I'm excited to share with you our new stadium expansion plans that will push capacity to 122,000. The architects have said they will build a dome over the Big House, and have students sit strapped upside down to the ceiling. As you can imagine, this will cost many millions of dollars. So when you win money gambling thanks to the confidential player injury reports any Big Blue Birdies told you, please funnel that to our stadium improvement fund."

Joe Paterno (Penn State): "OK, it's official. All the fans, media and boosters who insist on giving me a hard time, listen up. I've got a shotgun. So if anyone wants to start something, bring it. You might win an argument against me, but not these double barrels."

Bill Callahan (University of Phoenix): "Boosters, thank you for helping us overcome the challenges of being the NCAA's only online college that fields a team. Thanks to all the Web cams, we can watch our players practice no matter where in the country they live and telecommute. Though we still need help funding our airline budget to fly all these players in for games."

Philip Fulmer (University of South Florida): "Bulls fans, I look forward to being your new coach, and to helping you overcome your image problem. I realize it has been confusing for people around the country to discover that the University of South Florida is not in South Florida. So you've made yourself more Southern by hiring the most Southern good-ole-boy in the coaching unemployment line (and isn't it a shame how Vols fans showed their appreciation for a coach who won a national title but then posted three 4-7 records in a row?). Pass the grits."

SPORTS ORGANIZATIONS: College football boosters

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