Futurepedia: Pride of the Zooker - SPiN - CBSSports.com The Lighter Side of Sports

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Ron Zook

2002: Named head college football coach at the University of Florida after the athletic department was forced to scramble a hasty search to fill the position. Vacancy occurred because Steve Spurrier left Gainesville without warning, and had not groomed a successor to ensure a seamless staff transition. Through Zook's heavily criticized three-year tenure at UF, Spurrier is rarely if ever faulted for leaving Florida off-balance for his impulsive (and ultimately unsuccessful) bid for NFL glory.

2002: Disgruntled Florida fans launch a FireRonZook.com website. He is the first coach to get a "FireThisCoach.com" site named after him. Today, many athletic departments launch their own "FireThisCoach.com" website upon hiring a coach, since it is guaranteed to provide a highly profitable revenue stream.

2004: After being defeated in Starkville by a 1-5 Mississippi State team, Florida announces Zook will not be retained for the following season. "What should be done eventually needs to be done immediately," explains athletic director Jeremy Foley. Zook's final moment of Gator glory comes in a season-ending victory against arch-rival Florida State in Tallahassee on the night the Seminoles' head coach was honored by having the grounds declared as "Bobby Bowden Field." Gator fans henceforth refer to the grounds as "Ron Zook Field."

2005: At a press conference where he is introduced as head coach of the University of Illinois, Zook pronounces the 'S' at the end of "Illinois." Thus starts the high demand for the T-shirt "Make Some Noise for IllinoiS."

BCS Championship Game for 2006 season: Florida wins national championship by defeating Ohio State 41-14. Although Zook recruited 22 of 24 starters on that Gator team, critics contend that Zook's coaching skills would be inadequate to defeat a No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes team.

2007: Zook's Illinois team beats the No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes. Zook is declared Big 10 Coach of the Year.

Jan. 1, 2008: Zook's Illinois team beats the Florida Gators in the Capital One Bowl, 41-14. Thus Florida coach Urban Meyer loses a bet and has the words "I've Been Zooked" tattooed on his neck.

2009: Coach Bobby Bowden retires from the FSU sideline to care for son Tommy, who suffers a nervous breakdown after failing to lead the Clemson Tigers to a division title. Zook, who had guided the Illini to a Rose Bowl victory against undefeated Stanford, is named FSU's new coach at a salary of $6 million per year.

2011: After years of building a reputation as an indefatigable recruiter, Zook sets Guinness World Record for recruiting most number of kids at the same time. He visits a five-star quarterback in his Austin Texas, living room, and simultaneously texts a four-star wide receiver in Largo, Fla., calls a five-star running back from Floral Park, N.Y., telegraphs a four-star kicker in Sunrise, Fla., sends ESP brainwaves to a four-star defensive tackle in Sandusky, Ohio, and authorizes a sky-writing plane for a five-star cornerback in Oxnard, Calif.

2014: After winning back-to-back national championships for the Seminoles, Zook decides it's time to try his luck at the next level. The New England Patriots hire Zook to replace Bill Belichick, who has been named head of intelligence-gathering with the Central Intelligence Agency. In Tallahassee, Zook's ex-offensive coordinator, Steve Spurrier, is elevated to FSU head coach after two years of being groomed for the position. In tearful farewell ceremony, Doak Campbell Stadium's turf is officially renamed Ron Zook Field.

2019: After winning three consecutive Super Bowl titles, Zook decides that the NFL is not enough of a challenge. Announces desire to rejoin college ranks due to his love of the college game. Is initially rebuffed by Notre Dame, which signs Charlie Weis to a 25-year contract extension, despite his fourth consecutive 2-11 season.

2020: After a year away from the game, Zook is announced as head coach of University of Arkansas. Immediately endears himself to Razorbacks fans by pronouncing name of state correctly.

2035: Passes Joe Paterno's record for all-time wins as a coach (326).

2037: Ryan Gosling wins Academy Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of Zook in Disney's inspirational biopic Supercalifragilisticexpializooked.