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He's Eric. And he's Eric. Despite toxic levels of Tryptophan, Kernish and Kay are downing more depressants and talking about all their favorite pigskin topics this Thanksgiving week. Can you call it a week? Oh, what the hell.
| ERIC KAY | ERIC KERNISH |
| BOURBON QUESTION: You're starting a team and get to choose either Randy Moss or T.O. Which do you take as your star receiver? | |
| Kernish, I think we're going to beat Prisco and Judge to this one. Apparently their edgy NFL Faceoff doesn't have room for us two luminaries. So, since we're on record first with this all-important question, here's my response: Neither. They're too old if I'm "starting a team." Give me Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne or Larry Fitzgerald if I'm given a team that's not ready-made to make a run. But if I'm forced to chose one or the other, I take Randy Moss. He doesn't just stretch the field, he makes long plays. And more importantly, he's younger, making him the logical choice here. But if these two were the same age, I'd go T.O. Sure he's a headcase, but ask Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo about the one constant of their career years and they'll all say Terrell Owens. When the guy is on the field, simply, he makes everyone around him better. Sure he's a prima donna, but if that was a deal breaker, well, we wouldn't have Kernish working at CBSSports.com. | Moss or Owens -- sounds like trouble to me; both would be disgruntled if the team doesn't start off well. Both players are dangerous weapons, but both are also problematic. Based on everything I know about the two, I'd go with Moss because he's got better hands than Mr. Owens. He also runs down the field quicker than someone with Montezuma's Revenge looking for a toilet. Plus, in the end zone, he's far more dominant due to his uncanny ability to create separation. But my greatest reason for picking Moss is because if he does get angry with the team's inability to win, he's only capable of quitting on plays, mooning the crowd and driving into cops while toking on marijuana cigarettes. Owens, on the other hand, will probably claim my QB's queer, get into arguments with my coaching staff, go public with all in-house feuds and stand behind Drew Rosenhaus' chin as it makes angry gestures to the TV. I need a WR, not a circus. That's why Moss is my guy. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: Thanksgiving means Cowboys, Lions and ... Falcons? With a third game added to the Turkey Day lineup, how would you mix things up if you were commish for a day? | |
| I'd make John Madden commentate for all three games. Since some of his best blabbering happens when he starts to fade at the end of SNF, imagine 12-some hours of him trying to talk football about six different teams all while his turducken is getting cold. Here's how it would unfold: Al Michaels: John, what happened on that last play? John Madden: My God that smells good. Michaels: What smells good, John? Gobble, gobble. Madden (going delusional): You sure look succulent. Michaels (worried): Uh, well, did you know Jon Kitna is a devout Christian, Jon? Gobble, gobble. Madden: Stop gobbling, you sweet, honey-basted turducken, you. And get into my belly! Michaels: What in the Howard Cosell are you doing John? That hurts. Gobble, gobble. Madden: Stop gobbling and squirming you turducken. I just want a thigh, or maybe a nice piece of your breast. Michaels: John, don't, you're going mad! Show image of puppy chewing on cord and cut to commercial break ... | Commish for a day would be nice, but does it have to be on Thanksgiving? I'd hate to miss mom's turkey dinner, but what the heck. As commissioner, the first change I'd make would be both simple and necessary -- to forever remove the burden of watching the Detroit Lions every Thanksgiving. Seriously, we're trying to eat here. No one except fans of the Motor City and the NFC North want to watch the Lions get pummeled. Why reward this garbage franchise with the season's biggest tradition? There should only be one turkey involved on this holiday, so Detroit you're history. Let's watch a team that matters, like New England, for example. No one's more of a Pats hater than me (i.e. Beer answer), but I'm ready to watch quality football with my family, not crap. At least they matter season in and season out. And since 2001, New England has somewhat took on an unofficial role as America's team. What's Detroit doing for this country? Reminding us never to visit there? Mission accomplished. |
| BEER QUESTION: If the ghost of Thanksgiving past came and granted you three sports wishes, what would you ask for? | |
| The ghost of Thanksgiving past? I bet that would look something like this. Shorten every season. Baseball should never even get close to entering November. The NFL should never touch February. Hockey in June? WTF? March Madness should stay true to its name and the NBA playoffs could get chopped in half for all I care. Golf and NASCAR should shed about two months off their schedules and the college football season should never come close to Martin Luther King's b-day. That's wish No. 1. Wish No. 2 would involve personal stuff. Maybe something like having Dan Snyder sell the Redskins back to the Cooke family. Although I'd feel bad and be tempted to burn wish No. 3 on a shiny new trickie for him. But I show restraint, preferring to use wish No. 3 for inward, media-related reform. Wish No. 3 would render all unnecessarily loud critiques, commentaries, opines, rants, power rankings, blogging and glogging of sports to the furthest reaches of Cleveland. All who take sports too seriously, and particularly those commentators with fanning-the-flame motives will be banished as well. | What took so long?!? Didn't it see my Dolphins are 0-10 already?! Thanks a lot, ghost. If it does finally decide to come through for me I'd ask for one thing: The head of Bill Belichick. Sadistic, yes, but we're talking about ridding the league of a varmint who relentlessly runs up the score on opponents just to stick it to everyone for catching him cheat. Plus, he's an ass. The Patriots' dominance are likely based on three things: Talent, illegal scouting and excessive point-gouging. All of a sudden, no team in the league can keep within 30 points against New England? You'd be naïve to think he still doesn't hold a bit of extra info on the side. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that's not keeping me from wanting his noggin -- signed, sealed and delivered. Don't worry, Patriots fans, I've got you covered. Billy's head shall get dipped in bronze and awarded to the Super Bowl champions in lieu of the Lombardi Trophy. If Belichick wants to be remembered and respected, there's just no bigger honor than that. |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: Nov. 14 | Nov. 7 | Oct. 31 | Oct. 10 | Oct. 3 | Sept. 26 | Sept. 19 | Sept. 12 | |
