Futurepedia: The tragic nature of Nick Saban - SPiN - CBSSports.com The Lighter Side of Sports

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades on the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Nick Saban

November 2007: After a three-game losing streak against LSU, Mississippi State and Louisiana-Monroe, Alabama's $4 million-per-year coach Nick Saban challenged his players to unify and reverse their fortunes. "Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event. It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event." A school spokesman later clarified that Saban was not directly comparing the outcomes of football games to those invasions of the homeland. The thousands of innocent people killed in those events could not be reached for comment.

December 2007: Following an Iron Bowl loss to Auburn and an Independence Bowl loss to Colorado that ended the Crimson Tide's year with a five-game losing streak, Saban summed up the disappointment of his first year at the helm of the storied program by saying it felt like "riding off the top of the Empire State Building on a bicycle that had no seat, and I landed on the pole that held the seat when I hit the ground." A school spokesman later clarified that Saban was not directly comparing the inept first season to fantasy dares that third-graders make in their elementary school cafeterias.

November 2008: Following a 52-50 quadruple-overtime to loss to No. 1 LSU, Saban summed up his despair by saying it felt as low as he did following his rejection at an American Idol audition when he sang Ain't No Mountain High Enough. A school spokesman later clarified that Paula and Simon were on the fence with the performance, while Randy said, "I just didn't feel it, dog."

December 2009: Following a loss to Georgia on a Hail Mary completion during the final play of the SEC championship game, Saban compared his surprise that the play worked to "the surprise I felt when I found out at the end of The Sixth Sense that Bruce Willis was a ghost." A reporter in the postgame news conference who was the last person in America to have not seen The Sixth Sense threw down his pen in disgust. "Dammit, I just rented that movie to watch tonight!" A school spokesman promised that any future movie references by Saban would be prefaced by a "spoiler alert."

June 2010: During a Crimson Tide booster cruise in Alaska, Saban explained the cause of his panicky alarm during a fire drill to his feeling of hopelessness following the needless death at sea of Jack Dawson, who would have had enough room to survive on that small piece of Titanic wreckage in the icy waters of the Atlantic Ocean if Rose had just stayed aboard the life raft that would have taken her to safety earlier in the film. A school spokesman directed all further inquiries to Saban's discussions on the films of Leonardo DiCaprio to previous posts of Saban's personal blog.

September 2011: During nationwide grieving on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terror attacks, Saban told relatives of victims that he felt the same sense of grief as when he forgot his 10-year wedding anniversary. A school spokesman clarified that Saban had made up for the gaffe by allowing Mrs. Saban unlimited use of spas on a Sandals vacation.

October 2012: In the midst of yet another schoolbook fraud scandal, Saban compared the unfortunate financial situation of his student-athletes to his feeling of destitution by admitting that for the past two years he had spent his entire salary on a vintage Marmaduke lunchbox collection. A school spokesman later announced that Saban would make the lunchboxes available for display in museums.

March 2020: During an invasion of Earth by extraterrestrials, USF Bulls coach Saban compared humanity's need to unify and repel the alien enemies to the feeling of loss Miami Dolphins fans underwent when he jilted them for Alabama. A school spokesman was too busy leading a last-ditch, rag-tag rebellion to defend the comments.