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The Trojans get snubbed, the Nats go bargain hunting and Tom Petty has a super-sized gig. It's a tequila-sized slate for Sid Saraf and Eric Kay this week. Bring some wet naps and tissues. | ERIC KAY | SID SARAF | BOURBON QUESTION: What kind of a world do we live in, where a man as great as Pete Carroll
can get left out of the national championship? I mean, is there any reason to go on living? | | You couldn't script a better story than this. Mighty Pete Carroll, or as I refer to him, Longshanks, couldn't lead his band of 15 running backs to the BCS national championship game. Boo-hoo. Sounds like a nice tragedy for some striking screenwriter to whip up with all that free time in between stocking Borders shelves and sitting in Starbucks surfing the web on their laptops. I'll tell you what kind of world we live in, a great one! This is still America, right? The land of double-bacon cheeseburgers, Sean Hannity and Chinese restaurants. Save your tissues, Nancy, and enjoy the fact that you're going to the Rose Bowl during a season when your coach says, "We really blew it." Speaking of blowing it, what's that you need? A "tissue"? "I'm not going to want to see this"? Enjoy your world as it is, Sid, because when Carroll leaves to take the Chargers job you'll be wise to buy stock in Kleenex. | Absolutely there isn't. Game over, man. Game over. I was really looking forward to seeing that new Will Smith movie. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it actually looks interesting. Let's just hope there's no part where he talks smack to an alien about "snatching up galaxies and every-thang!" But in the wake of this latest travesty by the BS (I know, it's a crusty joke), there's nothing left for me. Mike Slive has ripped out my colon and placed it on a dirty plate. I feel like taking a hara-kiri for the team. I'm sorry, Pete, I've failed you. I didn't make enough of a fuss. I could have done more. Maybe if I had created a stink, my Trojans would be there on Jan. 7, with Conquest playing in the background, making mincemeat out of whatever brightly-uniformed group of dandies dared to step into the stadium. I'm in a bad way here, EKay. Pass me a tissue and head for the door. You're not going to want to see this. | | SCOTCH QUESTION: EKay's Nationals now have an outfield of Wily Mo Pena, Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes? What other miscreants should Jim Bowden add to the Beltway Bad Boys? | | First off, I love what Stan and Jim are doing here. We're baseball's halfway house. Come hang out, get well and off you go. I love these low character, high skill-level guys. We're not keeping Dukes for 10 years, just long enough to sell him off. He's like frozen OJ. The Dukes would be proud. Who else can they get? We need bad-boy pitchers. First up: David Wells. He's old, crusty, loves killing things. Perfect mentor for my guy Matt Chico. And we'll just ship him off, say, back to San Diego, at the next trade deadline. I'd also like to see us get our paws on Scott Olsen, he of Tasering fame. I don't know what getting Tased does to your stock, but I'm sure Billy Beane has some sort of metric on it. We still need a backstop, and Michael Barrett, the firestarter that he is, would be a glorious fit. So long as he doesn't get in Chico's face. That's unacceptable behavior and Manny Acta should keep a spray bottle of water around at all times to squirt Barrett when he starts to get a little testy. | Good Lord, another dadgum Bowden? How many are there floating around this country? Let's see: We've got dadgum Bobby, Tommy, Terry and now Jim? What's left: Shemp? I've had enough of this family. Oh, Jim isn't related? Yikes, I'm an idiot. How about Steve Howe? Whoops. Actually, just take Jeff Kent. Or Milton Bradley. I'd imagine they'd both fit into Jim-Boy's strategy to corner the 'prison market,' right? Isn't that what he's aiming for? My Lord, are they going to make people sign a waiver to get into their new stadium, like at San Quentin? Is that enough shtick? Need more? Go ahead and add Osama bin Laden and just take over the country. Might as well, after all, you're in Washington. I heard Scott Olsen is looking for a free-agent deal (actually, he isn't). Scope him out; from what I hear, he's a great driver and very cooperative. Sid's prediction: The body of Manny Acta will wash up on the banks of the Potomac, with a lineup card shoved up his pants. | BEER QUESTION: Tom Petty will be breaking hearts come the halftime show of Super Bowl XLII.
If you were the event coordinator, what musical act would you choose to serenade the crowd? | | Tom Petty's a fine musician. The thing is, he's not really "TV pretty." I don't need my male rockers looking all perrrrty and all, but he's, well, let's just say Last Dance with Mary Jane's video director didn't need to look outside the band when it came to casting the lead mortician. Looks aside, here's what I'd do: I go ensemble. I go message. I go...We Are The World on your ass! I round up anybody who's anybody. Say, Cyndi Lauper, Axl Rose, Gunner Nelson, Barry Gibb, Lastings Milledge, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Evander Holyfield, Joey Travolta, Fabio and Clarence Carter and tell them to sing about something important. Something like global warming or the estate tax. There's no theatrics, fireworks, stray breasts or pecs. Just famous people doing something for the common person. Because that's what famous people should do: Stuff for you and me, like taking a picture with me at the Atlanta airport, right Mr. Lovitz? Are you too good for me? I watched The Critic and High School High. But no picture?! I'll go Single White Female on your ... | Well, let's hope there's no wardrobe malfunction at this Super Bowl, huh? What's that, Kay? You're telling me that Michael Wilbon made that same joke on Monday's Pardon the Interruption? That rat bastard! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! Let me scream this from a mountain: ESPN is the worldwide leader of thievery. Of scumbaggery. Of lecherousity. PTI is stealing my bits and this shall not stand. Anyway, I don't know what to make of this "Tom Petty" thing. I don't think there's much comedy in this question, but let's look deeper. This is exactly what the NFL wants. Look, no offense to Petty-Boy. I like some of his stuff and have respect for his career. BUT, he's not exactly Slayer, right? To sum it up, Petty is cool when you're high (which I have never been). When sober -- sorry, but Don't Come Around Here No More is pretty bland. Completely antiseptic and devoid of controversy. And on network television? Yeesh, time to change the channel. But, to answer your question: I have no idea who to schedule. I never watch the halftime show. | | Previous Bar Room Banters: Nov. 29 | Nov. 21 | Nov. 14 | Nov. 7 | Oct. 31 | Oct. 10 | Oct. 3 | Sept. 26 |
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