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I swear, this is bullcrap.
I'm talking about how the NFL Network is treating football fans.
I'm sick of this crap about the NFL playing games Thursday night. I'm not talking about the frickin' idiocy of how most cable subscribers have gotten the shaft when it comes to NFLN access, but let's address that for a few seconds.
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I am not among the privileged few NFLN subscribers, but from what I have seen in critiques of the game coverage, I'm not missing much. I understand the production values are pretty much amateur hour. If anyone is satisfied with this status quo, please send me an e-mail to illustrate what makes you so damn happy.
I think it's stupid that the NFL is trying to expand their market share by offering an inferior product.
Each week, some random team has to hit the road after a shortened four-day practice schedule. If the game is played outdoors in the north, you're talking about the thermometer being at sub-freezing before kickoff. Then fans of those teams have to wait an eternity of an additional 10 days to see them slog to a game, out-of-sync since their Thursday night games, where, odds are, they lost at least one starter to an injury from the crazy playing conditions.
Not that we can stop the Thursday night madness now. The money genie is out of the bottle, and all we can do is hope that the suits at the NFL can give us an exciting new feature to woo us back.
And I've got just the thing.
I say for Thursday night games, the NFL Network experiment with offering adult-language audio content.
It's time the NFL threw 60-yard F-bomb to the end zone.
What the (bleep) am I talking about? Well, I can see this going one of two ways:
One is to give the viewers the ultimate "Wired For Sound" experience. Just turn on the live feed from the microphones that are on some of these players anyway.
We know all game long some of these players are talking trash. Now let's hear them talk some s---.
You get to hear what Brett Favre barks under his breath at a rookie who misses a perfectly thrown ball on third down. You get to hear the first thing that comes out of Ray Lewis' mouth while he's watching Brian Billick's play calling. You get to find out if Tony Dungy has anything worse in his verbal arsenal than "ratfarts." The sky's the limit.
The second way I see it is this: There should be a separate audio feed where viewers can opt to listen to R-rated, raunchy adult commentary on that game, just as if you were at a sports bar with your friend. Imagine if this became a typical exchange between a play-by-play guy and off-color commentator. I've kept the references generic so I don't offend someone out of the gate, but feel free to substitute your favorite team for the one that's getting cursed out.
Announcer: "And Powers hands off to Johnson, left side, gain of maybe 1."
Commentator: "Are you f------ kidding me? That stupid s--- hasn't worked all day. This coaching staff needs to get its head out of its ass."
Announcer: "No argument there. That brings up third and long. Powers drops back, looks down field, pressure's coming ... and he's sacked by Sanderson."
Commentator: "Nice job, a------. Powers, you f------ suck in the pocket. You gotta get rid of it quick, d---head. Three years since he's left Texas State, this turd-hammer still hasn't figured that out."
Announcer: "Here comes the punting unit. Kick's away, but ... oh, f--- me gently with a chainsaw! I think we're going to have running into the kicker. Powers and company better gets their d---- out of their hands, because they are heading back on to the field."
Commentator: "That sucks s--- through a straw."
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| Bleep you, Bryant! Now, back to the game. (Getty Images) |
The NFL Network can label the service as "Not Safe For Work." Then the tag line for the commercials for "NFLN:NSFW" could be "We're Not F---ing Around Anymore."
The ad campaign could be centered around celebrities who have made themselves famous for their creative cursing: George Carlin, Chris Rock, every rapper in the known universe.
You can get Kid Rock to endorse the service by singing:
"I'll drink like a Texan
"curse like a Buc
"my only words of wisdom are I don't give a (radio edit)"
The first step to making this a reality is to get the NFL Network to sit down with the people they are doing business with. The satellite services will probably bend over for anything the NFL wants (like they do already).
But why not get those jolly adversaries at NFL Network and Comcast to negotiate some digital menu items.
Let me ask you readers this: Would you pay $49.99 per month for this package on top of the $5 that Comcast already charges to get the NFL Network?
If so, e-mail me a "F--- Yeah!" or "F--- No!"
Then if this dream ever becomes a reality, you can curse when you see the bill.
