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Well, Steve Sears is now entrenched in the Banter flock, but Pete was nice to him last week. Now he comes across a truly troubling individual in Sid, who seems to be messing with a syringe in the corner of the bar. Oh well, let the juice flow.
| STEVE SEARS | SID SARAF |
| BOURBON QUESTION: So Roger Clemens took steroids. This is shocking? So athletes don't get better when they turn 40? What was truly the most surprising part of the Mitchell Report? | |
| Roger, Roger, Roger. Tisk. Tisk. You would think those steroids would stop those convenient "groin injuries" when he blows playoff games in the first inning. Oh well. As for the biggest surprise, I'd say the fact that Curt Schilling declined to speak with Mr. Mitchell. Schilling would speak to the Chelmsford Senior Bowling Newsletter if given the chance. Maybe Schill didn't like the fact that Mitchell was a Democrat. It also should surprise me that everyone is congratulating Andy Pettitte for "owning up" to his mistake, but then I always assume the worst about people. (I suspect Sid listens to Ace of Base.) So if the police catch a murderer with the bloody knife and then he confesses, do we give him credit? Well, I know what Sid's L.A. brethren would do to this murderer. They'd acquit him. | I'll never forget where I was when the report was released. And I'll never forget the feeling that surged through my soul. It was sweet relief. I got down and thanked the Lord that I wasn't mentioned in Sir Mitchell's opus. Because between the world and me, I've been on performance enhancers ever since I came to CBS. Needles, pills, greenies, golics, the whole nine yards. My dirty secret is out. So, now I can work in peace without Eric Kay gazing at me in wonder, stupefied over my superior job achievement. I know he's been spreading rumors about me, that there's no way I could be the boss' favorite, nor have such glorious hair without sticking needles in my ass. Well, the case is closed. Furthermore, my weird neck hair should have been a giveaway. My reason for doping is clear (rim shot) and I'm not going to apologize for it. I was just trying to get ahead. None of you would have done any different. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: Time for those football games with funny names, usually referred to as college bowls. Which game has you counting down the days to kickoff? | |
| I hope I'm not supposed to be excited for the college football NIT. Sorry, Sid, even the Rose Bowl -- with the highest paid team in L.A. (USC) -- is as meaningless as the International Bowl or the Fruit Rollup Bowl. Everything beside Ohio State-LSU means nothing. Unless there's some Boise State redux, I don't see any of these games lasting the test of time. But I must admit the Cotton Bowl has me intrigued. Arkansas with Darren McFadden and their stable, always reliable new coach Bobby Petrino against BCS-spurned Missouri and Chase Daniel. You talk about a contrast in styles! These teams just like to play football! They just go out there and get it done on the football field! (Can I get my color analyst job now?) | I'm looking forward to the Hairy Arms Bowl sponsored by Steve Sears. Congratulations, you're manlier than I. Good Lord, what's going on there? Your arms look like the back of my neck. And at least I have my aforementioned steroid habit as an excuse. Just kidding, I'm trying to make you feel welcome. Look at Kay's legs: He's got a Sasquatch wearing panty hose thing going on. The only one of us banterers that's immune seems to be pretty boy Stella, and that makes me mad. Anyway, as far as this "bowl game" conundrum, there's just one bowl that I've spouted my fondness for. But since Carroll the Great has fallen victim to an insidious conspiracy to keep him from the BCS Title Game, there's only one other contest on my mind. I've cinched my grass skirt and I'm wearing my haka shoes. Colt Brennan, give me some sugar ... Bowl. Wait, that came out wrong. |
| BEER QUESTION: The writers' strike is starting to make an impact on the prime time schedule. Imagine you are a scab TV writer sitting in an L.A. Starbucks. What new show can you come up with to fill the void? | |
| As a disheveled writer sitting in the corner of a Starbucks trying to ignore the pretentious emo music blaring through the speakers, I'd definitely steal a great idea from Family Guy. The show would be called The Communists, a family-friendly sitcom staring a family of communists living in America during the 1950s. The dad would be a full-blown commie, equipped with a fur hat and a furrowed brow. His wife will play the loyal companion role, but the tempting fruits of fancy American cars and crony capitalism make her question the family philosophy. Then obviously you need the son and daughter who get made fun of at school as they carry around lunchboxes with Lenin and Marx on them and love the food line at school because it reminds them of home. Can this go wrong? Niet. This show will be just like Big Love, except interesting. | First, a message to all writers. If I EVER come across you typing on a laptop while sitting in a Starbucks, I will beat the ever-loving crap out of you. We get it, you wear thick Ben Heller glasses and look like Larry Dobrow. And you're probably wearing Birkenstocks. I don't care what you do for a living, so please stop trying to impress the world with your profession. But I digress. I personally think that the networks are overlooking a gold mine. There are legions of losers that don't have lives, taking part in something called "fan fiction." Communities of fans that take it upon themselves to write episodes for shows they love, even though they'll never get paid and nobody is paying attention. Do you really need the suddenly pompous Tina Fey to write new 30 Rock episodes? Come on, it's just the 21st century Mary Tyler Moore Show. A monkey could come up with that crap. Speaking of Tina Fey, doesn't that new American Express commercial make you want to punch her in the face? |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: Dec. 13 | Dec. 6 | Nov. 29 | Nov. 21 | Nov. 14 | Nov. 7 | Oct. 31 | Oct. 10 | Oct. 3 | |
