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EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles sports topics from the past 50 years. Look for it in the next five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.
SPORTS ORGANIZATIONS: The National Hockey League
Just when professional ice hockey looked to be on its last legs in the 21st century, the concept of staging games in outdoor venues provided a spark of popularity -- especially for advertisers. Here is a list of the notable successes -- and failures -- of dropping the puck under an open sky:
Jan. 1, 2008: A new dawn of professional outdoors hockey arrives when the Pittsburgh Penguins defeat the Buffalo Sabres 2-1 in a shootout victory at the "Winter Classic," played amid snowy conditions at Ralph Wilson Stadium before more than 71,000 fans. NBC draws a 2.6 overnight rating and a 5.0 share, the best ratings for a regular-season NHL game in more than a decade. Advertising firms leap at the chance to use this wider platform to start promoting current products, rather than continuing to run ads for discontinued mid-'90s fare such as Crystal Pepsi.
Jan. 1, 2010: Colorado Avalanche 4, Detroit Red Wings 3 at Invesco Field, Denver. More than 74,000 Avs fans witnessed a delirious comeback at the rink set up in the football stadium where the Denver Broncos play, sponsored by frost-brewed Coors Light. Trailing 3-1 with under 1 minute left, Broncos placekicking hero Jason Elam surprisingly comes off the bench and sets an NHL record by kicking the puck 65 yards through the uprights for a 3-point field goal that spells the difference for the home team. Although days later the NHL front office admits there is no provision in the rules for the cross-pollination of football and hockey, everyone who was on hand admits it was pretty cool to watch, and the win stands.
Jan. 10, 2011: Minnesota Wild 3, Toronto Maple Leafs 3 at Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wis. Thrilling game sponsored by Firestone snow tires marked debut of "Monday Night Hockey," under conditions that rivaled the famed Ice Bowl of 1967 (-13 degrees F, wind chill of -48 degrees). Game canceled when fans rioted during overtime. It wasn't the cold that bothered the crowd, it was that due to a Packers playoff game the previous day, the concession stands had all run out of nacho cheese. This was deemed unacceptable, and no future hockey game was ever played back-to-back with a football game in the same stadium again.
Feb. 14, 2012: Columbus Blue Jackets 3, New York Islanders 1, at Ohio Stadium, Columbus, Ohio. Game in "The Horseshoe" was highlighted by a natural hat trick by Columbus' Vincent Lecavalier in a four-minute span in second period. However, Valentine's Day promotion sponsored by Cold Stone Creamery is spoiled during "kiss-cam" gimmick when 30 couples' lips freeze together. Paramedics powerless to provide any relief other than to tell couples to "go get a room."
2018-2022: In order to save on arena operating expenses, NHL commissioner Jenna Bush orders the entire league move to Antarctica. The league survives for four more years playing on vast expanses of ice sheets. Sponsorships come from every sort of alcoholic beverage with an "ice" gimmick (Coors Ice, Bud Ice, Guinness Ice, Smirnoff Ice, Long Island Iced Tea Ice, Bathtub Gin Ice). Unfortunately, ratings plummet when TV crews decide it's too friggin' cold to play entire seasons on the ass-end of the world. Eventually, a 60 Minutes expose proves the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Penguins had been replaced by actual penguins, and the NHL is disbanded.
2026: Bored billionaire Hollywood power-players Kiefer Sutherland and Keanu Reeves tap their love of hockey to form the idea of an "extreme" outdoor hockey league, called The Cold-Blooded MoFo League. Eighteen teams are formed, mostly in northern cities that once had NHL franchises, and games are played in outdoor ice rinks. For franchises formed in warm-weather cities where there is no ice, teams run around through shopping malls with their hockey sticks, and wildly swing at random, innocent people until they are arrested.
2047: The NHL reforms with the gimmick that it is the first of the professional sport leagues to play its entire seasons in outer space. A 50-year-old Sidney Crosby is president, and he oversees outdoor ice rinks set up on Jupiter's moon of Europa, which has been colonized by Canada. Tim Horton's iced coffee is a sponsor. One major difference between Earth hockey and outdoor space hockey: On earth, playing without a helmet was an old-school sign of toughness. In space, playing without a helmet means your head explodes from lack of pressurization.
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