Futurepedia: How Eli goes elite past Peyton - SPiN - CBSSports.com The Lighter Side of Sports

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

SPORTS PERSONALITIES: Eli Manning

Elisha Nelson "Eli" Manning (born Jan. 3, 1981); Hall of Fame professional football quarterback. Before 2008, Eli Manning toiled in the shadow of his famous older brother, Peyton. But starting in 2008, events rolled into motion for him to eclipse Peyton and most every other quarterback who ever played the game.

Sunday, Jan. 13, 2008: In NFL divisional playoff games, Peyton Manning and the host Colts are upset by San Diego, while Eli leads his Giants out of Dallas with a win over the favored Cowboys. Peyton never wins another playoff game, while Eli never loses one, but few fans envision that scenario on this day. Mostly, TV viewers are aghast at the cornballism of a new commercial where Peyton and Eli are depicted as joining a pro sports league dedicated to eating Oreo cookies.

Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008: In Green Bay, Wis., with the temperature at kickoff hovering at 6 degrees and a snow storm in full effect, Eli leads the Giants to a 24-23 victory over the Packers. Eli, not particularly known for his scrambling skills, scores the winning touchdown on the final play with a 52-yard quarterback sneak. The key to the play's success is that the instant he takes the snap coincides with the heaviest snowfall in recorded history. With every player obscured from each other's view on the field, Eli is able to run undetected.

Sunday, Feb. 3, 2008: In Glendale, Ariz., Eli and the Giants edge New England 30-22 in Super Bowl XLII and end the Patriots' dream of an undefeated season. New England coach Bill Belichick is so upset that instead of shaking Eli's hand at midfield, he challenges the new Super Bowl MVP to a Oreo cookie eating contest on the spot. After Eli proves the more adept at twisting the cookies apart and dunking them in milk, Belichick is so upset he eats his own sweatshirt.

Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009: In Tampa, Fla., Eli leads the Giants to a 19-0 season by engineering a second-half comeback for a 34-33 victory against the New England Patriots. During the telecast, every time the camera finds the Manning family, Peyton is shoveling Double Stuf Oreos into his mouth by the fistful. By the end, Peyton has noticeably gained weight in his cheeks. After the game, Eli graciously accepts a congratulatory phone call from new U.S. President Ron Paul, who admits that he was showing his support all day long for the two-time Super Bowl MVP by dressing in a full-sized Oreo cookie costume.

August 2009: Because Peyton now subsists on a diet entirely of Oreos and Gatorade A.M., he reports to Colts training camp 65 pounds overweight. Longtime backup Jim Sorgi is promoted to starting quarterback, but on his way out of the locker room for his first preseason game, he breaks his leg slipping on Peyton's empty Oreo cartons.

September 2009: In order to restore the family's pride, Eli demands an unprecedented trade from the Giants to the Colts. In order to acquire Eli, the Colts must give up three future first-round draft picks and Jim Irsay's personal collection of erotic scrimshaw.

2009 regular season: Eli's 53 touchdown passes sets the NFL regular-season record. With a 14-2 mark, the Colts have home field advantage through the playoffs. In his final gesture to restore Peyton's pride, Eli hands back the starting job to his older brother and takes his new girlfriend Ashlee Simpson on a two-month vacation to Trinidad and Tobago. Peyton stumbles hard in his first game back, a playoff loss to the Los Angeles Vikings. Defenders say that by the second quarter, they had figured out that any time Peyton audibled the word "Oreo," it means a handoff.

2010: Because of salary cap issues, the Colts cannot keep Eli and Peyton on the same roster. Indy decides to stick with Eli's youth, and he enjoys two more Super Bowl victories before his retirement. Peyton is traded to the New England Patriots, and he is paranoid that Belichick will be unnecessarily cruel to him. That paranoia appears justified, because Belichick's first action is to convert Peyton to nose guard. Also, Peyton isn't allowed to wear a helmet, pads or any other protection during the game. After two starts, Peyton is so beat up that Belichick demotes him to his personal janitor.

2011-2017: Eli goes on to break nearly ever quarterback record on the books, and becomes twice the media celebrity Peyton ever was. Peyton, upset from continuing to clean Bill Belichick's filthy, disgusting toilet bowl for years on end, vows never to talk to Eli again.

2022: Eli is a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Peyton is not eligible for induction because he remains in the league in an attempt to break Vinny Testaverde's record for consecutive years in the league (Vinny himself only officially retired in 2018 at age 55). But Eli offers Peyton an olive branch of peace by asking him to give his induction speech. The tearful reunion ceremony from Canton is beamed worldwide, filling millions of fans with warm, fuzzy feelings. Unfortunately, no one can understand Peyton's speech because the whole time his mouth is full of Oreos.