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Calm down, Sid. Just because your man-love for Jeremy Shockey has sent you into a tailspin, that doesn't mean Pete wants to hear you weep. Anyway, the boys reflect on the Orange Bowl's last dance and wonder what sequels are in the future.
| PETE STELLA | SID SARAF |
| BOURBON QUESTION: Who weeps for Jeremy Shockey? The tattooed freak's Giants get to the Super Bowl, but an injury will keep him out of the game. Come on, do you feel bad for him? | |
| Look Sid, I know you wanna rub shoulders and maybe other body parts with Jeremy Shockey, but the guy's a jerk. He comes from a long line of talented University of Miami tight ends and make no mistake, this guy is damn good. But he's a diva, plain and simple. I can't remember an instance when he didn't throw a tantrum after making or failing to make a catch/first down/touchdown. Sure, this guy's got some interesting ink and that's why I am convinced we will see Sid and Shockey getting matching tats on their chests of Mickey and Minnie Mouse kissing under the Eiffel Tower. I am not a fan of showboats or divas so Shockey does not top my favorite players list. The ex-athlete in me is sad he won't be able to play in the Super Bowl and possibly help beat the evil empire that is the New England Pretty Boys. I mean, are the Giants so good that they can get this far without a possible Hall of Famer? Go Eli! Change your tune, diva Shockey, and maybe you'll gain a fan in this banterer. | Use your pity on Shockey, folks. He's a great man. Here's why. He's the classic alpha male -- the person every man wants to be. He's got sleeves of ink running down his arms and isn't afraid to appear in Hungry Man commercials. Believe me, if you or I held a bunch of Hungry Man boxes on camera, the ball-breaking wouldn't stop. Friend: "Dude, you feeling hungry?" You or I: "Nah, not really ... why?" Friend: "You sure? You're not a hungry man? Huh? You sure you're not hungry? Maybe for men?" Anyway, he's also not afraid to call out his boss. Just once, I wish I had the stones to stand up in the middle of the office and shout, "Dudes, I'd be doing a better job ... but we're getting outcoached. His fault, not mine." But no, I'm not that type of person. My life is spent looking up to people like Shockey. He carries my torch (not gay). He needed to play in this game to prove to the world you can act like a douche and still be rewarded. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: So, the Orange Bowl had its last hurrah. A bunch of former 'Canes and Dolphins got together for a flag football game, signaling the building's last sporting event. How lame was that? | |
| How many former/current felons and/or cocaine users graced the field of the Orange Bowl that day? Ha, sometimes I just kill myself. This event is lame but how else do you close the book on a famous stadium where Doug Flutie threw his only career pass at Boston College? It's a good thing for the fans and young kids who never had the pleasure of watching great players like Dan Marino chuck the ball around with ease. A game like this is pointless, just like a pro-am golf tournament where people just turn out to see famous faces -- and terrible golf. It may have been the most fans the Orange Bowl had seen all season, tee hee. Aside from the game, I am with Sid on taking a souvenir. When I was growing up in Cleveland and the city closed the old Browns stadium, fans took rows -- and that's no joke -- of seats home to put in their living rooms. I definitely would've gotten some friends together and taken one of the goalposts. Call me boring but it would have been fun trying to make it out of the stadium with that bad boy in tow and shoving it into Sid's 1970 aqua blue Pinto. | There's nothing lame about living in the past. I'm an expert on the subject. Let's see, what went down at the OB? Apparently, Dan Marino zipped passes to Mark Duper; Bennie Blades came up with an INT; Don Shula and Howard Schnellenberger roamed the sidelines once again. Wow ... what an awesome display of yesteryear longing. I know the feeling. Once, my home of S. Calif. had two football teams roaming the landscape. Then an ugly tramp and a doddering old fool took their teams and went to hell (might as well have) and since, things haven't been the same. But life went on. USC provided continuity. The Trojans won some titles and good times were had by all. Now, they're losing to Stanford. I know how Sofla feels. The Bulls are like the old woman who sits on her porch waiting for her husband and son to return from the Civil War. But she's senile, so she doesn't realize the Dolphins and Hurricanes were killed in battle 40 years ago. I wish I could've been there, just so I could take off with a souvenir urinal. I was there in spirit, boys ... and I was open in the corner of the end zone. |
| BEER QUESTION: First it was Rocky, but now Sylvester Stallone has jump-started the Rambo franchise. But forget about him. Which movie or character would you like to see get a sequel? | |
| This is a Pete question if there has ever been one. Oh, where to begin? How about Kazaam 2, Back in the Lamp? Heck, Shaq is on the injury list so why not get his big butt back in that snappy costume? Or how about another Indiana Jones, oh, wait, or another Saw, oh, wait, or another Halloween, oh, wait, or Harry Potter, oh, wait. When did Hollywood become so sequel happy? I know the writers' strike is still going on but what does this say about the talent in L.A. these days? Heck, Sid's from Cali and he is darn good at what he does (I'll take that $10 now buddy), what is wrong with everyone else? Please God, don't let them make The Simpsons 2. The first one was disappointing enough. Seriously, I would enjoy a sequel to Heat. I have always been curious why Val Kilmer's character -- easily the lamest in this badass movie -- was allowed to get away while Robert DeNiro and Tom Sizemore had to get blown away. How about Rush Hour 4: Smokey's Revenge? In this gripping tale, Chris Tucker reverts back to when he was talented and goes on a rampage after lover Jackie Chan is murdered at Disney World. Priceless. | How about Jurassic Park IV, Back in the Habit? Or maybe Willow II, Back in the Habit. Come to think of it, the world wouldn't be complete without Roadhouse III, Back in the Habit. In my opinion, every movie sequel should have "Back in the Habit" incorporated in the title. Because there was none better than Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. I guarantee it was some movie studio gasbag who slaved over the poster, imagining, "What can we call this movie, so our core audience will come running to the box office, money in hand?" "Yeah, I know, we'll call it 'Back in the Habit' Its double meaning will rake in the dough!" Actually, in all seriousness, I would have like to see a final chapter to complete an Ace Ventura trilogy. I know, the first movie is kind of dated now and Jim Carrey's histrionics were a bit much in the second (if that's possible). But, I'm nostalgic for the original Carrey. The one who had me on the brink of pants-pooping with Fire Marshall Bill. Not the guy who pushes me away with semi-serious tripe. I don't care about Sunrise Spotless Minds of Powder Filled Eternal, etc. or whatever. I want talking out of an ass. And I want it now. |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: Jan. 24 | Jan. 17 | Jan. 10 | Dec. 27 | Dec. 21 Dec. 13 | Dec. 6 | Nov. 29 | Nov. 21 | |
