Futurepedia: Tales of their recruitment have been greatly exaggerated

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

College Football Recruiting Hoaxes

Perhaps no behind-the-scenes aspect of sports has grown as dramatically as the fervor for college football recruiting news in the Internet age.

The hype and pressure to label high school athletes as "five star" or "can't miss" prospects has created a crucible that tempts some to subvert the system. Here are the most egregious instances where cooler heads (and due diligence from grown-ups and the media) could have prevented embarrassment:

2008: A high school senior offensive lineman in Fernley, Nev., announces to a packed gymnasium that he has elected to sign with Cal's program over Oregon. In truth, neither school vied for his services. The student admitted he had concocted the entire scenario as a way to make his dream of playing big-time football come true. Entire situation could have been avoided had one grown-up in his life bothered to ask, "So, uh ... mind if we can talk to one of your future position coaches? We were hoping to be on a first-name basis with the employee of a big-money college program to make sure he isn't trying to exploit your talents for his personal gain."

2010: A high school quarterback in Mt. Olympus, Ind., who is an honors student in Greek and Roman culture, announces he will sign with the University of Georgia, because "living in Athens, Ga., is the closest I'll come to fulfilling my dream of becoming a Greek god." The student's hoax is uncovered when it is realized that no member of a Greek and Roman culture honor society could possibly throw a football more than 12 yards.

2012: A Pennsylvania high school coach fools Penn State's Joe Paterno into believing that he has a center who doesn't merely snap the ball to the quarterback in the shotgun -- he has the ability to instantly teleport the ball securely into the quarterback's hands. Ruse is able to be maintained due to Paterno's failing eyesight and reliance on "magic beans" that he claims talk to him and advise him on play-calling and disciplinary actions.

2013: Florida State coach Bobby Bowden offers a scholarship to a field goal kicker who Bowden is assured has never missed a field goal wide left or wide right because "the dadgum kid can't tell the difference between left and right."

2016: In Corpus Christi, Texas, a high school middle linebacker prospect holds a four-hour news conference where he tries on the caps of all 125-current Football Bowl Subdivision teams and explains why he won't sign with each particular team. The entire charade was in truth perpetrated by the new owner of the local Lids franchise who was trying to move some old merchandise from the stock room at the mall.

2017: Jerry Glanville resigns as coach of Portland State University when it turns out he had only signed fictional high school players during his tenure. As such, he has reached the point where he has zero actual players to field a team. Final straw came during pregame introductions against Weber State when he tried to stall as long as he could by using the old, "We'll storm out of the locker room as soon as everyone in the stadium has closed their eyes for a big surprise" trick.

2021: It is proven that a left tackle in Scottsbluff, Neb., who wowed scouts that he could bench press 725 pounds with one arm, was merely lifting plates of black Styrofoam that had pound numbers pained on the sides. Also, he hadn't actually done 100 reps as depicted in the video, but had merely started counting at 96 when the camera began rolling.

2028: The bioengineering lab of the University of Texas announces that in order to avoid future recruiting hoaxes it will bioengineer all future scholarship football players. In a partnership with NASA, a space shuttle experiment is formed where embryos will be grown in weightlessness of International Space Station 3.

2045: It turns out the University of Texas' bioengineering program to grow its own football recruits is in itself a hoax. The only thing that was grown in those test tubes on the space station were sea monkey eggs.

2052: ESPN14 visits a gym in California's San Fernando Valley to broadcast what it believes is the National Signing Day announcement of the decision of the nation's consensus No. 1 defensive tackle recruit. What they found on accident was the set of the adult film Tight Ends Exposed Vol. 26. Sharp-eyed TV viewers became suspicious that the people involved were not high school students when they noticed all of the cheerleaders were clearly in their early 40s. And were having an orgy.

2054: In college football's ultimate anti-Rudy moment, the University of Notre Dame decides on the final play of the season to allow on the field a wide receiver who was brought in through a mail-order college football recruiting catalog out of Moscow. What Irish coaches thought would be a five-star prospect who was 6-foot-6 and had a 4.1 time in the 40 turned out to be 4-foot-2, 51-year-old mother of 12 who smokes 40 cigarettes a day. Lucky for the Irish, the entire Michigan defense was too mesmerized by her grotesque appearance to notice that Notre Dame had snapped the ball, and the rest of the team followed the quarterback 40 yards to the end zone untouched.

College Football Recruiting Hoaxes

CBSSports.com

SPiN

Featured Links

Helpful Links