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Is it the latest episode of 'House'? No, calm down ... that's every Sunday. What you have here are two chimps with three topics. Are they debating or just flinging poo? Judge for yourself.
| STEVE SEARS | SID SARAF |
| BOURBON QUESTION: Spurs coach Gregg Popovich wants a trade committee in reaction to the Lakers' burglary of the Grizzlies. If you were entrusted to form such a committee, who would you choose? | |
| The first man I would appoint would be Sid himself. But his past history of robbing the homeless and swindling little kids who run lemonade stands would kill me with the public. Not to mention the fact that he's in rehab like most of his posh Hollywood pals, except he's in there to deal with his male body hair fetish. My next choice would be Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Everything in life could use a Vinny Mac, and he sure wouldn't let any GMs run roughshod over the league. Next, Debbie Clemens, because every committee needs some muscle when words just aren't enough. The last member would be Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace. He would keep things interesting, like approving a Jordan Farmar-for-Yao Ming deal. Maybe approve a trade where the Cavs give up LeBron James to the Spurs for Random Foreign Player and some tacos. Hey, Wallace did his best to ruin the Celtics in the 1990s, and he could finish his mission in life and ruin every other franchise while he's at it. Afterward, he'd have to deal with McMahon and Mrs. Clemens in a triple threat match. | I'm sorry, I can't concentrate. I'm watching Pop on my HDTV and it's a really horrifying sight. But I'll try to answer his theory without thinking about his pock marks. Anyway, if the NBA wants to (pock mark) look into a trade committee (pock mark), I really don't have a problem with (pock mark) it. In fact, I think it's fair. Sometimes, there are a few big-market teams that (pock mark) benefit because of their superior finances. Franchises like Memphis, because of the (pock mark) difficulty it has selling tickets and luxury boxes (pock mark) have trouble holding on to big name (pock mark) superstars. The Gasol deal was a prime example of this situation. The Grizzlies weren't performing well and therefore weren't selling tickets. So, what sense would it make to keep a player like Pock Gasol? Damn, I'm starting to lose it. The Lakers did plunder the Grizzlies for next to nothing. I can understand why the league is getting pock marked with anger. So, my suggestion to Gregg Pockmarkovich is to form a one-man trade approval committee post haste, because the league needs to keep on eye on GM shenanigans. And do something about that face, for God's sake. Pock marks! |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: So, we all got to see Roger Clemens choke through his testimony on Wednesday, but here's an additional question: ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack ... hot or not? | |
| Wait! Roger Clemens choked? No way! And look at this, he has yet to beg out of the hearing with a "groin injury." Bravo, Rocket. Bravo. Heck, I've been watching this thing for about a half hour and I'm thinking of chewing on a cyanide pill just to get out of it. Yikes. Now I'll leave it to Sid to discuss whether Roger Cossack looks good or not. But no one can claim Cossack isn't on top of the world. He's on ESPN more than actual highlights. Who would've known, way back in the day, that being a legal analyst on an all-sports network would be so lucrative? From O.J. to Rae Carruth to Barry Bonds and whomever, you need a Harvard law degree to follow sports these days. And thank heavens for Cossack, so we don't have to hear Chris Berman or Dick Vitale channel their inner Jack McCoy or Perry Mason. It's only a matter of time before ESPN calls on Nancy Grace, so that way no missing white women will get short shrift on the Worldwide Leader. Thank heavens for that, too. | OK, I'm going to have to put a stop to this nonsense. The Banter fuels life and drives essential traffic to this website (cough) and I won't have it descend into the execrable world of Tiger Beat. I don't care if his turn-ons include ice dancing and reading and his turn-offs are koalas and people who bum smokes. And Steve-O, I resent your insinuation that I'd have any comments about Cossack's looks. I pound my shoe on a podium in your direction. BUT ... He does use hair gel. And I must say, hair gel speaks volumes. It portrays intelligence, a willingness to rise in the professional world and an attitude that gently says, "Yeah, people might be attracted to me, but there's no way to be sure." I don't even listen when he talks. I'm just transfixed by the gel. That'll do, Roger. That'll do. |
| BEER QUESTION: Looks like the writers' strike is over and Sid can go back to watching Army Wives on Lifetime. Is this great news for America, or does it mean all of us lazy couch potatoes no longer have a reason to go outside anymore? | |
| This was great news for America … until I found out that 24 won't be back until 2009! 2009! I could be dead by then, felled by a Sid Saraf machete to the chest. It happens more often than you think around here. Wait, what's this? I'm getting a message from the fine folks at CBS and I can't wait until Cold Case comes back! But now that the writers' strike has been resolved, it's given me an idea. I should strike. You see, Eric Kay runs the Banter crew like your normal sweatshop, and I think it's time we Banterers demanded our rights. Poor Pete Stella has been working 20-hour days while Kay has a sniper trained on him in case Stella has the audacity to try to eat or, more important, get an update on Terrelle Pryor. And when former Banterite Eric Kernish asked for water while hacking away in 100-degree heat, well, there's a reason no one's heard from him in a while. Eric Kay is like a cross between Mr. Potter and Skeletor and only a strike from the likes of Saraf and myself can change things. Dictators only understand force. | You're out of touch Ah, I see ... now you come crawling back? I'm just supposed to forget the last few months? Just throw out the fact you writers said a few cents on every DVD was worth more than my happiness? I think back to those hopeless nights, stuck in a hell where only reality TV was procreating. You left me in a world that has American Gladiators in it again and I'm supposed to drop everything and let you back in my heart? I'm out of time OK, fine. I forgive the writers. I can get my love going again -- after all, that eternal flame had never been truly extinguished. Thank God, America. The world is complete. Get ready for new episodes of Lipstick Jungle. And Cashmere Mafia. Hold on to your seats folks, because Bones and New Amsterdam are back! Oh, happy day! Let's just say, there won't be any more alcohol-soaked evenings, spent wondering when Girlfriends would pick up their new season. Good Lord, was that what we had to watch before the strike? It seems like the Writers' Guild had 100 percent garbage (except Family Guy, South Park, 30 Rock and 10 Item or Less). They were peeing on our brains! I think I'm going to be sick. Be careful what you wish for ... |
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