Futurepedia: Cemeteries are source of latest sports scoops - SPiN

Exhuming yesterday's sports stars

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

Investigative journalism has a distinguished history of muckraking that dates to the 1800s. In the 21st century, a history of grave digging began to unearth itself:

2007: Relatives of Notre Dame legend George Gipp sue ESPN, which had cameras on hand when Gipp's remains were exhumed for DNA testing. ESPN denies the footage was to be used for a Chris Berman "Who's Dead Now?" ultimate highlight competition.

2015: After the Chicago Cubs win the World Series, the Chicago Tribune exhumes Harry Caray to be honorary captain of the Budweiser victory parade float. Caray looks surprisingly lifelike thanks to the fact that Budweiser Select was used as part of his embalming fluid.

2018: The New York Post exhumes Babe Ruth to find out if his last meal was at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island.

2019: The Hollywood Reporter exhumes the coffin of Lyle Alzado to see if he had a receipt to prove that he ever returned a videotape copy of Weekend at Bernie's to his local Blockbuster.

2022: Motorcycle Madness Monthly attempts to exhume Evel Knievel to coordinate a stunt where his body would be strapped to a rocket cycle and launched across the Grand Canyon. But family members successfully sue to prevent this, citing the stunt as not tacky enough for Evel's tastes.

2025: The employee newsletter of Breyers Ice Cream seeks to view the canister of liquid nitrogen that stores the head of Ted Williams. Not to try to thaw and revive the legendary slugger, but to see if they could mimic the likeness and offer an authentic line of "Splendid Splinter" frozen treats.

2026: The judging panel of the Pulitzer prize seeks to exhume the corpse of Barbaro to verify accounts in a story by SPiN columnist Gregory Hardy that the Kentucky Derby winner was victim of a conspiracy assassination when he was shot during the 2006 Preakness by a bullet that came from a grassy knoll. Hardy's Pulitzer is rescinded when it is learned that Barbaro was cremated, and Hardy plagiarized his conspiracy theory from the Warren Commission report.

2033: The Boston Herald moves to exhume Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi to investigate an anonymous rumor that the "winning is the only thing" coach used surreptitiously filmed footage of other teams to decipher their defensive hand signals and that he brought the evidence with him to his grave. No video evidence is found in the coffin, but the only suspicious item that seems out of place is a ratty New England Patriots sweatshirt.

2034: The guys who dug up Lombardi have to dig him up again because one of the diggers figured out that he accidentally dropped his wallet in the casket. And it had, like, 40 bucks in there.

2046: The Penn State student newspaper asks to exhume Joe Paterno. They are seeking to confirm a tip that some assistant athletic department officials neglected to replace his eye glasses after they had all tried them on while playing the "Wow, how bad was his eyesight!?" game when they buried him the week before at age 119.

2051: On the 50th anniversary of his tragic death at Daytona, NASCAR Illustrated is given permission to unearth the grave site of Dale Earnhardt Sr. in order to construct die-cast replicas of the Intimidator's coffin. Thousands of NASCAR fans howl in outrage at the indignity of finding out that millions of the miniature souvenirs had been sold out by the time they got to place an order.

2055: The sports network ESPN19 exhumes former anchor extraordinaire Chris Berman to see if his earthly remains have finished bellowing ultimate highlights commentary.