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John Daly, quickly working himself into the Bar Room Banter Hall of Fame, is at it again. The boys chime in on that, bubbles bursting and Democrats named Eliot, Barack and Hillary. | STEVE SEARS | ERIC KAY | BOURBON QUESTION: Surely neither of you two barflies are getting tired of the antics
of golfer/daily tailgaiter John Daly are you? | | As someone who goes into work drunk on a daily basis, I have no problem with John Daly. The thing is, I still bring the goods, even if I am slurring my words and making passes on the copier. When was the last time Daly was truly relevant? 1995? When Party of Five was Eric Kay's favorite TV show? It's easy to know why the fans love him. He's just like them and he's a nice antidote to the snooty, country club atmosphere that permeates golf. That's all fine and dandy as long as he's playing well. Hell, even just average would do it. But he isn't average anymore. The only tournaments he's winning these days are Beirut tourneys at Florida State. Now on to that story about the woman in the bathroom. Talk about flushing your life down the toilet! (Yeah, EKay, I can write for Leno, too.) The first thing I thought of when I saw this amazing story was Seven. Has anyone checked Kevin Spacey's whereabouts? He knows just how to keep someone alive in an uncomfortable position. Just ask that drug dealer on the bed. Oh wait, he's dead. | This reminds me of a story about a girl and a guy. The girl, for a reason only God herself knows, decided to plant down on her boyfriend's toilet for a solid two years. Didn't move. Her boyfriend brought her food and water and well, you can imagine the rest. When the boyfriend was questioned how he let this go on for so long and what she said when he asked her about ya know, moving off his crapper, her response was "maybe tomorrow." Well it got so bad for this gal that her skin molded on to the porcelain. Not even the dynamite from Leathal Weapon 2 could pry her. She had become one with the toilet. Sick, yes. Have we all been there? Of course. And that's where John Daly is. He's stuck to the fecal depositor. And it's really because nobody made him get off it. Let's say Hooters, his sponsors, is his boyfriend from the story. Hooters gives him drinks to chug during a tourney and Daly just goes with the, uh, flow. And now he's glued to this way of life, and he's proved not even a knife fight can pry him loose. Oh, the question? Am I tired of this? Only when he stops buying. | | SCOTCH QUESTION: As loyal worker ants for a media behemoth, Kay and Sears have no love for the little guys. So do you have any problems with the San Diegos of the world bursting the bubbles of big-time programs? | | It's great when these little schools crash the party at the NCAA tournament, right? You get your Valparaiso. Your George Mason. A bit of Creighton. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And that someone is almost always the Sears Tournament Bracket. Born every March only to die a vicious death a week later. I'm no Gary Parrish when it comes to college hoops. I have little to no knowledge about these small schools. Sure, I try to pick at least one to make it to the Sweet 16 every year, but I'm always wrong. That is why I have an issue with these teams taking spots from Syracuse or whatever else because I have no choice but to pick against them which means they'll definitely win a few games. | If you have a problem with the San Diegos of the world, you clearly dislike democracy. And I won't stand here and let you badmouth the United State of America, young Sears. Because it was on this soil that Mr. George Jefferson once decreed: Bring us your tired, your poor, your Toreros. When a San Diego of the college hooping world does this sort of thing it reminds me of the tale of Clifford the Big Red Dog, or maybe it's Robin Hood. Yes, it's Robin Hood. See, by beating Gonzaga, a tourney lock, San Diego just spread the tourney wealth around. Instead of just getting one mid-major like Gonzaga, we now get two. And two mid-majors is a good thing, like Kevin Costner's accent for the first five minutes of Prince of Thieves or kettle corn. | | BEER QUESTION: March Madness is here ... and we're not talking brackets. Hillary and Obama are clawing it out and New York's outgoing governor allegedly set his sails at the Mayflower one too many times. What sports analogy/cliché/saying best describes the Democrats' situation? | | As an Obama supporter, this race is akin to an underdog team with a lead in the second half. As a fan, you just want that clock to hit zero, but it won't. And the favorite is slowly coming back. Tense times. After eight years of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo in the White House, this should be easy for the Dems. Instead, two great candidates duke it out, like the Western Conference in the NBA. Meanwhile, John McCain beats Mitt Romney-3PO, crazy uncle Ron Paul, reverend Mike Huckabee and cross-dresser Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, the East. Not fair. As for SpitzerGate, what about the call girls? Their jig might be up. My entire college education is worth about five minutes with these women and men might start looking for more cost-effective options. So take that, Big Prostitute. Like Big Oil, you've had the politicians in your pockets for long enough. It's time for the Mom-and-Pop streetwalkers to finally get their due. | Eliot Spitzer, my new ex-gubernatorial hero, seemed to have a thing for Cinderellas. Hillary and Obama are going into what, triple overtime? The only Beltway boy who likes change more than Obama is Dan Snyder (this year aside, that is). Who knew Spitzer had so much Wade Boggs in him? Let's just say he knew a thing about playing Fantasy sports. (I feel like I'm a joke writer, OK, a bad joke writer for Leno). You hear about Coach K's wife going all Bill Clinton at Tyler Hansbrough? But really, the only appropriate analogy for Spitzer is the Iditarod, which by the way, just ended. Like the Iditarod (delivering medicine), Spitz used to champion a good cause (ruffling Wall Street fat cats), but then it just became all about fur coats and traveling long distances with bitches. I guess a dog race also applies to the two candidates as well. Nice when it works out that way. | | Previous Bar Room Banters: Feb. 28 | Feb. 21 | Feb. 14 | Feb. 7 | Jan. 31 | Jan. 24 | Jan. 17 | Jan. 10 | Dec. 27 |
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