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The NFL Draft is like any weight-loss diet. If you eat healthy and stick to a plan you will be successful. If you don't read the ingredients or gorge on junk food, you will get fat and stupid in a hurry.
Men's Health magazine has made a book of its feature called Eat This, Not That . Its point: Fast food nation is bloated with nuclear time bombs in terms of fat and calories -- but there are other items that aren't so terrible. This book knows you're going to eat at Taco Bell every week, but it can help you make sure your waistline won't be supersized by the end of the year.
Let's put that theory into effect for the NFL: "Draft This, Not That."
Here is a guideline of how each team can chow through Saturday's first round. A lot of the "Not That" information is common sense, but I still thought it was useful to spell this stuff out.
1. Miami
Draft this: Bill Parcells scooped up Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long to a five-year contract with $30 million guaranteed. Although this will make it easier for other teams to fill out their wish lists, at least the Dolphins avoid Oakland's JaMarcus Russell holdout debacle from a year ago.Not that: Ricky Williams' yoga instructor.
2. St. Louis
Draft this: Virginia defensive end Chris Long. He's got about all the tools you would want from someone coming out of college, due in large part to the fact he is the son of noted Fox NFL studio analyst Terry Bradshaw (don't tell Howie Long -- he still thinks Chris is his).Not that: An accountant. That's a front office issue. Rams need help on-the-field immediately.
3. Atlanta
Draft this: Louisiana State defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey. I just got off the phone with Kirk Herbstreit who was calling out of Baton Rouge, and he tells me it's a done deal. Hmm? What? I should double-check his source? Why?Not that: Anyone even remotely involved with underground dogfighting. Should probably avoid cockfighters, too.
4. Oakland
Draft this: Ohio State DE/LB Vernon Gholston has mad pass-rushing skills that will make life miserable for Raiders opponents. It's just a shame Gholston goes from a team unable to win a BCS title game to a team that will be unable to win anything at all.Not that: Anyone who has only one eye. I know the Raiders mascot logo looks cool and fierce with that eye patch, but depth perception is a vital, if unsung, facility to have.
5. Kansas City
Draft this: Boise State offensive tackle Ryan Clady. It's the first step for getting protection for ... oh wait, the Chiefs don't have any quarterbacks worth protecting.Not that: A team that lets go of defensive end Jared Allen should not be tempted to replace him with Jared from Subway, who does not have a fast first step -- and could report to camp overweight.
6. New York Jets
Draft this: Arkansas running back Darren McFadden. Although we hope that the fact McFadden was summoned twice to midtown Manhattan for the Heisman ceremony and came away empty-handed is not an omen for N.Y. fans.Not that: Homeless people who hide in Central Park. They have notoriously slow times in the 40.
7. New England
Draft this: Troy cornerback Leodis McKelvin. Or any other cornerbacks loafing around. The first round will be lousy with them.
Not that: Anyone who can't keep their yap shut about all this illegal videotaping business.
8. Baltimore
Draft this: Boston College QB Matt Ryan. The Ravens have never had anyone allocated as a quarterback on their roster, and thus have never lined up any such a player under center. Even during the Super Bowl run, the center would snap the ball to absolutely no one. A running back or wide receiver would then scramble to recover the ball and improvise. Clearly this offensive philosophy is no longer sustainable.
Not that: Ornithologists. Although the team mascot is a bird, it is represented by a man in a costume. There is no aviary within the stadium grounds.
9. Cincinnati
Draft this: Southern Cal defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis. It would be a gift from the football gods for Ellis to be available to shore up the defense. Their 2007 unit was characterized to me by one AFC general manager who spoke on condition of anonymity as one that "gargled cow turds."Not that: Cedric the Entertainer. He wouldn't make the Bengals defense any better. Then again, he wouldn't make it any worse.
10. New Orleans
Draft this: Tennessee State cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. He provides great value at the No. 10 spot, not just with speed, by in having three very distinguished names in a hyphenated presentation. You can mix those three monikers in any combination, and they'd all be cool: Rodgers Cromartie-Dominique, Cromartie Dominique-Rodgers, Dominique Cromartie-Rodgers, you name it.Not that: Anyone who would be skittish at the thought that another monster hurricane could come along and wipe your entire part of the country off the map.
11. Buffalo
Draft this: South Florida cornerback Mike Jenkins will fill in the hole left by the departure of Nate Clements, and would cost the Bills slightly less than all the money in Rhode Island.Not that: Anyone who's going to mind moving to Toronto in a few years when this team relocates.
12. Denver
Draft this: Vanderbilt offensive tackle (and former Jay Cutler teammate) Chris Williams. He'll be coach Mike Shanahan's most intelligent draft choice since ... hmmm ... gimme a minute here ...Not that: The Broncos haven't done very well in the "don't draft that" category since that Maurice Clarett experiment in 2005. Did I say "experiment"? I meant "Bozo-inspired lunacy."
13. Carolina
Draft this: Southern Cal linebacker Keith Rivers will bring speed and aggression to the middle of the defense. All four NFC South teams are implementing new offensive wrinkles in the race for the division crown, instead of merely drawing straws at the end of the season as has been the case the past five years.Not that: The Panthers should make no efforts to attract a top-flight option at wide receiver, since Steve Smith has made it clear he savors the idea of facing triple and quadruple coverage from opposing secondaries all season long.
14. Chicago
Draft this: Illinois running back Rashard Mendenhall. The Bears are attempting to develop a "running back by committee" situation that will make it unnecessary for any Chicago quarterback to attempt a pass across the line of scrimmage ever again.Not that: The Bears front office is not interested in any player who believes in the Madden Curse or end zone dances or the designated hitter or that the moon landings were faked or that O.J. Simpson will one day find the real killer.
15. Detroit
Draft this: Florida defensive end Derrick Harvey. High irony: His final college football game involved getting whipped in a bowl game against a previously terrible University of Michigan team; he will now spend his first year getting whipped repeatedly as a member of a terrible team in Michigan.Not that: I triple dog dare Matt Millen to draft a wide receiver.
16. Arizona
Draft this: Oregon running back Jonathan Stewart. What has the world come to that Arizona is now in the position to plug holes. Historically, the club has welcomed newcomers with all the enthusiasm of a Delta Tau Chi brother who OKs the admittance of a new pledge by pragmatically pointing out, "We need the dues!"Not that: Anyone who has Dennis Green's "Crown Their Ass!" outburst memorized. Everyone else on the team has pretty much gotten this out of their systems. There's no use for some new dorkus to come in and start chiming that catch phrase all over the place.
17. Kansas City
Draft this: The Jared Allen trade means the Chiefs get another first-round pick. They now look to build on the defensive side of the ball by acquiring Clemson's Phillip Merling.And is it just me, but is Herm Edwards the football equivalent of Celtics coach Doc Rivers? They both talk a good game, they both bounce around between franchises, but get nowhere. It would take a serious infusion of heavy talent, and the fact that Armageddon is near for them to have any playoff success. What's that you say about Doc's NBA playoff schedule? Here, lemme look at that .... aw, crap ...
Not that: Intangibles are important, but a player still needs skills that can be described specifically in some fashion. You don't want to sound like the customer in the original Clerks who asked: "Do you have that one with the guy who was in that movie that was out last year?"
18. Houston
Draft this: Dallas owner Jerry Jones probably has his eyes firmly fixed on a fellow Arkansas alumnus, running back Felix Jones. But it's that other Lone Star State franchise that gets high on the Hawg. Sooo-ieee!!!Not that: Under no circumstances should the Texans draft Reggie Bush.
19. Philadelphia
Draft this: Pittsburgh tackle Jeff Otah. Someone's got to protect Donovan McNabb in his golden years. And by the way, I think this guy's name is part of the dialogue when Greedo corned Han Solo in the Mos Eisley Cantina: "Otah-botah, Solo?"Not that: The team will pass on Santa Claus if he's available. He's already been booed by the Philly home crowd.
20. Tampa Bay
Draft this: Wide receiver Devin Thomas out of Michigan State. Jeff Garcia and the Bucs' 15 other QBs will need someone to throw to.Not that: Wide receiver Devin Thomas out of Michigan State. Are you crazy? Take a wide receiver in the first round!?! You know how many of those guys end up as busts? Never take a wide receiver in the first round!
21. Washington
Draft this: Miami defensive end Calais Campbell. Redskins get smart in the draft? Just like quitting cigarettes, Dan Snyder might finally figure out that lighting up free agents every year will burn your lungs.Not that: Don't draft the loser of the Obama-Hillary race. That person will need to forget about D.C., pronto.
22. Dallas
Draft this: Texas star wide receiver Limas Sweed. My addendum to the "don't draft a wide receiver in the first round" rule is this: It's OK to draft one with the second of your two first-round picks. The Cowboys have two first-round draft picks, but will use their first one on a wide receiver.Not that: Texas star point guard D.J. Augustin. He plays basketball.
23. Pittsburgh
Draft this: Boston College offensive tackle Gosder Cherilus. Because we said so.Not that: Any athlete who has appeared in "EXPN" programming.
24. Tennessee
Draft this: Indiana wide receiver James Hardy. You're allowed to draft a WR if you have Vince Young as your QB, and he has no one to throw to.Not that: Anyone who wants to make it rain.
25. Seattle
Draft this: Southern Cal tight end Fred Davis. Fantasy football owners whose team requires a starting tight end have their fingers crossed too.Not that: Anyone who was thinking of buying Sonics season tickets.
26. Jacksonville
Draft this: North Carolina defensive tackle Kentwan Balmer. Defense becomes a priority when you have to play Peyton Manning at least twice a year.Not that: Anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons.
27. San Diego
Draft this: Auburn defensive end Quentin Groves. Just so we can hear the word "Tweener" an extra 45 times on Saturday.Not that: Anyone who has a Marty Schottenheimer tattoo.
28. Dallas
Draft this: Kansas cornerback Aqib Talib. Just in case that Pacman Jones thing doesn't work out.Not that: McLovin.
29. San Francisco
Draft this: Tennessee linebacker Jerod Mayo. Though you think Urban Meyer ever looked at him and thought, "Boy, I wish I could have put Mayo in my spread offense. That would be so cool."Not that: Mel Kiper Jr. He can talk the talk, but no way is he walkin' the walk in under 4.7.
30. Green Bay
Draft this: Arizona cornerback Antoine Cason. Some heat is on its way to the Frozen Tundra.Not that: Anyone who likes working in "Frozen Tundra" cliches.
31. New York Giants
Draft this: Miami safety Kenny Phillips. Another member of The U moves to NYC.Not that: Just don't let Isiah Thomas wander from Madison Square Garden into the Radio City Music Hall war room looking for new employment. Besides, he'd try to draft 11 guys who play the same position.
