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It's another happy hour and cheapskates Steve and Sid are trying to drink as much as possible before 7 p.m. hits. In the meantime, they'll kill the boredom with three topics.
| STEVE SEARS | SID SARAF |
| BOURBON QUESTION: Apparently, Roger Clemens likes a little bit country. Has anyone had a worse 2008 than the Rocket? | |
| Well, I think the poor woman we'll talk about next had a worse 2008. As far as athletes go, it's not even close. At this time last year, Roger Clemens was a first-ballot Hall of Famer being courted by several contenders who would pay him an obscene amount of money to injure his groin in big games. Now, the hits just keep on coming. Mindy McCready was 15! Good for Roger that Chris Hansen wasn't around. After the Mitchell Report mess and Debbie dabbling with HGH, you'd think he was in the clear to buy a cute little puppy, name him Kasey or Kujo and hope for a call from the Bronx. These days, he has to pray the New York Post doesn't connect him to an affair with Kim Jong-Il or Al Gore doesn't blame him for global warming. I feel sorry for the guy. Wait, no I don't. | George Karl. Let me explain ... Going back to the tragedy of Oedipus, the relationship between father and son has been strained, to say the least. Especially between a successful father and his male offspring. I'll admit that I never looked at my parents the same way after reading that screwy play. But I digress ... George was the master of the hoops domain in his household and got great fame. Of course, his boy Coby wound up being into basketball also, but there was no reason to worry. After all, Coby Karl played at Boise State (a sucky program) and it was a fluke that he even made the Lakers roster as a free agent. But then, the unthinkable happened -- George's Nuggets met Coby and the Lake Show in the playoffs and let's just say, the son had his way with Dad in a one-sided beating. And just like Oedipus slayed his father Laius, when Coby embraced his father at the end of Game 4, it represented him owning his mother, which in this figurative case is the game of basketball. For shame, George. You were bested by the fruit of your loins. You're a humiliation to fathers everywhere. And least Clemens likely got some sex out of his deal. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: Pat Riley is gone -- again -- and it looks like he won't be coming back -- again. But seriously, he's coming back, right? | |
| If Pat Riley is anything, he's a man of his word. Just ask Stan Van Gundy. Usually, if a coach with his resume retired he'd get 24-hour coverage and Skip Bayless would wax poetic about his flowing mane of gel-dosed hair. The coverage of Riley's exit was subdued based on the fact we all know he's coming back. Once Pat Riley's personal toe-nail clipper -- I mean Miami coach -- guides the team back to contender status, good ol' Mr. Hair Gel will 'handle' the situation. Either Erik Spoelstra will be resting at the bottom of Biscayne Bay or he'll go back to driving Dwyane Wade to his T-Mobile commercial shoots. It's like Vladimir Putin in Russia. He's no longer the big cheese by title, but he still pulls the strings. And you know the other guy is watching his back. | Of course he is. And damn it, he has every right to do so. Pat Riley is the greatest coach with the greatest hair that has ever lived. Yes, I'm showing my colors as a useless, biased Lakers homer, but I don't care. I really resent how he's been portrayed in the media as some sort of pretentious pretty boy, who is only concerned with himself. Sure, all of that might be true. But hasn't he earned the right to be that way? Come on, he coached the Los Angeles Lakers to championship after championship in the 1980s. Then if that wasn't enough, he took a third-rate Knicks franchise full of thugs and John Starks to the NBA Finals. That dizzying feat is enough to mention him in the same breath as Auerbach and Jackson. Then as a cherry on top, he got Shaq to put down the Ding Dongs and take Dwyane Wade's scraps for yet another crown. Case closed. If Riley wants to run the country, we should make that happen. |
| BEER QUESTION: It's only May but no story this year can be quite as disturbing as this one. How long will it take Law & Order SVU to rip this one from the headlines? | |
| I could see a story about a toddler killing her parents with a remote control and feeding them to the Supreme Court and I'd just shrug. But this one makes a mark. How can this guy build a secret dungeon and father several children with his own daughter without the wife knowing? Was there an especially long episode of Austrian Ellen on the past two decades? Now I can't trust anyone. Who knows what secrets people may be hiding. Take Sid for instance. When he goes out for a "smoke" could he be lighting a small child on fire? When he goes out to "eat" could he be devouring a delicious Floridian debutante? I've always known Sid as quite an unstable character but now I'm even more suspicious. So when the cops come knocking, Sid, you can blame that Austrian sicko for sowing the seeds of neighborly vigilance. Or paranoia. | Those guys are all over it. This is a perfect case for that show. Did you see that pervert's photo? That mongrel is no match for Mariska Hargitay and her snaggle-tooth. That crazy canine is the only thing I usually notice during the hour it's on. It's perfect. Mariska Hargitay is a petite thing that would probably have a problem tearing open a pack of ketchup. And yet she plays a character full of rage that really "takes it to the criminals and isn't afraid to cross the line doing so." Oh please, do you buy that for a second? No way, right? But when she opens her glorious mouth and that snaggle-tooth unfurls itself from her mouth, it would make Patricia Arquette tremble. It talks to you through the screen: "Hello, Sid. You want to pull me, don't you?" What match does a stuttering, basement freak have against those odds? You're right ... absolutely none. There's no need for Christopher Meloni, Richard Belzer or Ice-T; deputy Snaggle Puss will handle this one. |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: April 24 | April 17 | April 10 | April 3 | March 27 | March 20 | March 13 | Feb. 28 | |
