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"I am paying anybody who have read the book 'there are no children here' by Alex Kotlowitz $30-40 which in some classes you have to read at UB (even more money if you have to read the book a little more!!) to write a 3-4 page paper, on a couple of questions which was assigned."
That is the plea for mercenary-style academic assistance that University of Buffalo guard Andy Robinson reportedly posted on Facebook Marketplace.
I wish NCAA student-athletes who find themselves in this sort of situation would come to me first for advice. Because I'd have been able to write a quality academic essay for $40. Are you kidding? It takes about 10 Futurepedia columns for me to make that sort of dough.
If this is the first time you've heard of the Buffalo scandal, don't respond back looking to take him up on the offer. The hoo-hah has pretty much rolled its course in the past week or so. Robinson has apologized but is serving a suspension from the team.
Anyway, to make sure another academic integrity scandal doesn't hit the 24-hour news cycle for a few of months, let me step in with this solution.
If you are an NCAA student-athlete, then scroll down and you will find free of charge an essay I have written that you can cut and paste to turn in for a class assignment.
I think you'll find it contains all the elements your professor is looking for: Introductory paragraph, supporting paragraphs and conclusion. It's intended for any sort of "Sports and Society" class, but is vague enough that it can safely be turned in for any elective class taught by the type of no-idea-of-the-outside-world professor who thinks Mike's Hard Lemonade is a drink suitable for children at a Detroit Tigers game (also a true news story that broke this week!).
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Greg, you're a professional journalist. A trained instructor will surely tell the difference between your breezy, polished, insouciant writing style and that of someone who's lucky to text message the name of the bar he'll be at in an hour."
Fortunately, I have taught college writing classes, so I have some familiarity with the writing ability of the typical student. I tried to capture the style of the earnest, aiming-to-please-but-in-slightly-over-their-heads spirit of students who hate that they have to show up for class at 7:30 a.m.
If you need to turn in a longer paper, throw in extra facts from Wikipedia. And start every sentence with "In society, it is well-known that ..."
If you think my example needs to be dumbed down further, by all means, feel free to add grammatical inconsistencies and typos. As long as you don't sound like Lenny from Of Mice and Men or any character from Idiocracy, I think we can get away with this.
The College Student-Athlete and the Media
By (your name here)
(Sports Media in Society, or whatever class this will bail you out for in a pinch)
(Date, meaning date your paper is due, not the date this originally posted on CBSSports.com)
In the media landscape of today's society, there are many ways for college sports figures to get their message across to their audiences. First, student-athletes must prepare themselves for questions the medias will ask. Then the student-athlete must answer those questions truthfully or in an interesting way. Finally, the student-athlete must interact with the community at large no matter if they think you are a candidate for player of the year or a no-good, takes-every-other-play-off bum who the previous coaching staff should never have recruited in the first place.
First, as a student-athlete you must must prepare yourself for the media's questions. After you think up some answers to questions the media might ask, type those answers out. Working out with a word processor is just like working out on a weight machine. You have to build muscles or coach will cut you from the team.
The key to sports commentary is having an opinion and expressing it. There are many sports one can comment on. NFL football, MLB baseball, hockey lockout, arena football, the olympics, mixed martial arts, boxing, canoing, horsing, grappling. Sometimes video games are a sport, but only if you are playing a video game that is about sports, like The John Madden Curse.
There are many controversial topics you can consider to talk about. Sometimes student-athletes don't get paid as much as they should. They have to spend their secret money as quietly as it was handed to them in the first place. Some student athletes have at their dorm room alcohol, drugs, cash and guns. Some only have one or two of these things.
If you have a study hall mentor, have him or her tell you what they think of your media responses. Sometimes it is hard to meet with your study hall mentor, because he or she has to spend so much time filling out your homework or taking your tests for you online. Do not disturb your mentor when he or she is doing this, because the ramifications can by direful.
There are many media personalities in the media who comment about sports. Some of these include Al Michaels, Erin Andrews and various others. One way to make your message stand out is through laughter and satire. Many Web log (or "blogs") provide insight, opinion and analysis for sports current events. Other blogs like to publish pictures of women with gonzo-sized bazoongas.
CBSSports.com SPiN Columnist Gregory Hardy has studied media commentary for many years, and he had this to say: "Always be sincere. Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made." The key to remember is that media members strive to be impartiality and objectivity. That means you don't cheer for one team over the other, even if that's the school you went to and you hate the other school, like a rivalry. So if you talk to an objective reporter, they will try to treat you like everyone else. If you talk to a Booster magazine or Web site, they will treat you like a God. The fan sites will talk nicer in front of you, but talk nastier about you on the message boards when you screw up.
Lastly, you must deal with the successes of your media fame. Fans want to know everything about you like you're a slab of meat. And not just ordinary meat, but famous meat. Sometimes you can do something stupid at a party and it is posted on YouTube. There are many ways to combat this. Say it wasn't you, just someone who looks like you and wears your jersey number and has your tattoos, but that it is definitely not you, because you don't even like the taste of naked cheerleaders covered in vodka.
In conclusion: Don't do the wrong things, but if you do do the wrong things, definitely don't get caught. Especially don't get caught turning in someone else's homework as your own. Just like with hookups, you should never pay to get homework done. But if you do decide to pay for it, make sure it is excellent in quality. You probably have a lot more questions about this subject, and you should research them with a Google search. But remember to never do any cheating on your computer, because they can check. And if you score enough points in games to make you a hero, you will never get in trouble for anything.
Bonus topics for class discussion
1. Did you ever get caught breaking a rule or law or felony? If so, does your picture in the newspaper make you look sorrowful?
2. Who gets paid more per game: You or your position coach?
3. If your instructor is a member of the opposite sex, would it be worth having sex with that instructor for a higher grade? Would the answer change if that instructor was the same sex as you?
4. When your game highlights get shown on a TV sports report, did the broadcast person say a catch phrase? Did the broadcast person come up with a dated pop culture nickname for you?
5. Next time, instead of offering someone $40 to write your paper, you might want to increase the offer to $50.
