TPC Round 2: Power Chambers par the island green

Mark Twain didn't actually say golf is a good walk spoiled but he got credit for the quote because people think it sounds like something he might say.

I always think about this about the time I reach the sixth hole of any golfing day because I realize I should be having a better time than I actually am. That's because at around the sixth hole all of my golfing dreams have ceased to become possible. By this hole I have played long enough that there's no real hope of a run at even par, or, generally, a score in the 80s.

So around the seventh hole I start to have a good time and realize, yet again, that I'm not that good a golfer. This is a realization that, for whatever reason, most golfers refuse to have when the round begins. That's because on hole one every golfer believes they're actually good. Yep, most golfers, like talented cornerbacks in football, have short memories. We forget about the three balls we put in the creek in favor of the drive that got us near the creek. Or the long par putt we made as opposed to the four-putt from inside 20 feet.

Which golf course that you've played in Tiger Woods' video games would you most like to play in person?   1%  Glen Abbey     40%  St. Andrews     37%  TPC Sawgrass     9%  Spyglass Hill     14%  Pinehurst No. 2     Total Votes: 336

If we play a course frequently enough we can string together our best holes from memory and extrapolate, without irony, that it's possible we could shoot a 64 on any given day. Of course this is a fantasy, but it's a common fantasy. It's why so many clubs end up in ponds at about the eighth hole, why you wouldn't be that surprised to look up along the fairway and see a 3-wood hanging precariously on the branches of an oak tree. Golfers understand these things happen.

This column is the continuation of my round at TPC Sawgrass. Monday covered the first six holes, introduced our playing partners and informed you that I play golf with a $154 dollar set of clubs from Target. In the first six holes, I scored a quadruple bogey, played the wrong ball, peed in the woods, and decided that Harry, our caddy, liked me better than he liked Tardio. Here goes with the continuation.

7. As we approach the tee box on the seventh hole, I decide to enjoy the bucolic nature scenes all around us. That's the only explanation I have for why my seventh-hole notes contain this dialogue: "Are there alligators on this course?" I ask Harry. "A few," Harry says, "they're not very big." "Do people ask very much about alligators here?" "No," Harry says. "Did you know that there are pink dolphins?" "Get out of here!" Harry says.

Underneath all of this I have 7 written as my score. I have no idea what actually happened on this hole. My apologies.

8. My notes on the eighth hole: "A fox crosses the fairway in front of us." It's like I've suddenly decided to take a trip to the zoo. Then there are these notes to myself, "Double bunkers. You stink." I take a 6. (In my defense I think I might have been eating peanut M&M's on these holes and worried that if I tried to write too much I'd spill a piece of candy. For the record, this is how University of Florida coeds live every minute of their lives.)

Like many before him, Clay Travis didn't find the island green in one. He did avoid the water, however. (Getty Images)

9. By the ninth hole I'm back on my reportorial game. I hit a good drive and then follow it up with a great 3-wood. From where the 3-wood lands my approach is partially blocked by towering pine trees. Harry suggests I try and power my shot through to the green but I tell him I'd rather lay up and have an easier approach shot.

Harry nods. "That's a really smart play. Most people just try and power it through when they play the course here." "Does laying up make me a pansy?" Harry pauses for a moment and wrinkles his eyebrows as he ponders my question. "Yeah," he says, "it pretty much does." My reward for being a pansy is a missed par putt so I settle for bogey.

Tardio, meanwhile, is on fire. He birdies the hole and Harry rushes over to give him a fist-bump. When we climb back into the golf cart Tardio says, "I don't think Harry gives out the fist bumps indiscriminately, you have to earn it."

At the turn I've got a 51. Breaking 100 becomes my new goal.

10. Tardio keeps talking about his birdie en route to the tee box on 10. "When we watch the TPC on television, lots of pro golfers won't birdie that hole." "Stop bragging," I say. "I might hire Harry to come back and live with me. Having a caddy help me out all the time would make my life so much better." On Harry's advice I tee off with a 3-wood and hit a perfect shot. Then I follow it up with a bad approach to the green and land in a bunker. My first shot doesn't come out of the bunker but then I manage to put in a putt from the rough for a 6. Harry doles out the obligatory fist bump. Tardio pretends not to notice.