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The fellas are ready for the summer. Steve is breaking out his sunscreen while Pete is going into hibernation until it's time for football season to kick off again.
| STEVE SEARS | PETE STELLA |
| BOURBON QUESTION: Stella once rooted for the Cavaliers. Sears once rooted for a Celtics team coached by M.L. Carr. Now the two teams face off in the playoffs. Will Stella go home crying once again or will it be Sears breaking into a profanity-laced, losing-induced tirade? | |
| We saw Cleveland vs. Boston last autumn and we all know how that ended: Pete crying into his pink "Grady's Lady" handkerchief. The Celtics are the better team, though they haven't been lighting the world on fire. Game 1, if you were unlucky enough to see it, was a horrid display of basketball. There was also a horrid display of acting by LeBron James. Rajon Rondo, who is half his size, runs into LeBron, who acts like he had just been hit by a Mack truck. Don't worry, LBJ. You're gonna score 3,000 points from the free-throw line this series no matter what. I do feel for Cleveland. The Browns leave, the Indians serve up a few postseason heartbreaks and the Cavs are soon to lose LeBron to the Nets or the Knicks. It's enough to make me feel bad for Pete. Almost. But he'll always have Dan Dakich. | I did root for the Cavaliers a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. You can thank Michael Jordan for crushing the hopes of a young Pete Stella and so many other Cleveland fans. Am I pulling for LeBron and the Cavs? No, I really don’t care but the city of Cleveland needs a winner -- BAD! And though I don’t use my Paul Pierce shampoo or my life-size Kevin Garnett beach towel like my friend Steve, I wouldn’t mind seeing the hired band of mercenaries known as the Celtics go down -- and Steve cry his way all the way back to Baaaaaastan to drink in Haaaavard baaaars. But, in my non-biased opinion, the Celtics are the better team with more depth and talent. LeBron is darn good and has the ability to win a series by himself, but I don’t see it happening this year. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: The summer is the time of year when Stella questions how he's a sports fan. Steve loves baseball (and secretly NASCAR) so what is the best event/series of events during the hottest time of the year? | |
| Is it right for Stella to call himself a sports fan if he only likes college football –- and that sport doesn't know how to crown a true champion? We need to get the Brookings Institute on this right away. Besides Major League Baseball, there's not much going on in the sports world in the summer, save for the Olympics every four years. To show us how enlightened he is, Pete will probably say the WNBA is the best way to quench our sports thirst in these hot months. We know the truth. The most entertaining summer spectacle is the Little League World Series. There are overzealous coaches, 13-year-olds throwing curveballs and sliders, 25-year-olds playing for Taiwan and most predictable of all, kids crying their eyes out as their dreams come to a crashing halt on national television. It's simultaneously grotesque, unavoidable and must-see TV. | Well, since spring football is in the spring, sadly that can’t count for me. So for the lack of better options or a better answer, I will say the Indianapolis 500. I am no fan of auto racing (shhh, don’t tell Steve I said this but he has a Dale Earnhart Jr. screensaver surrounded by hearts. It’s creepy) but there is something cool about open-wheel racing. While millions of toothless wonders gravitate to NASCAR, it seems that Indy racing -- or whatever the heck they are calling it these days -- is more classy and sexy. I remember going to the Cleveland Grand Prix as a youngster, enjoying it and bringing home an actual used tire as a souvenir (boy, did my parents love that). So I have always admired those crazy bastards who risk their lives to drive in what appears to be a circle. |
| BEER QUESTION: Before you know it, Batman's sidekick, Robin, will get his own movie. Which superhero would you most like to be? | |
| Being a superhero isn't what it's cracked up to be. With great power (and mustache) comes great responsibility. Batman is by far the best superhero of all, but he lives alone with a butler in some scary mansion and has a stalker/sidekick who wears tights and might be Chris O'Donnell. Count me out. Superman has to be a reporter in his off-time and considering the current state of newspapers, I'll pass. I want to have superpowers, but I don't want people bugging me to save their lives anytime a supervillain starts dreaming of world destruction. Let me eat my Doritos in peace. Now, being Darkwing Duck would not be bad at all. I'd have some skills and a nice cape. The best part? No one would expect too much from me. SuperStella can get all the headlines while I use my powers for selfish purposes. Let's get dangerous. | I know Steve’s answer to this question. He wishes to spend his remaining time on this planet as half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo with his man crush Tom Brady as the other dude. Me, I like the ladies so I’m going with Iron Man. Call me unoriginal or boring -- your insults can’t break through my iron suit. True, I did just see the movie and have been raving about it all week, but Tony Stark – AKA, the guy in the suit -- is a flawed character and darn it, so am I and everyone else in this world. He’s rich, smart, suave, has awesome toys and finally realizes his path in life is to help people. And he can fly and doesn’t hide the fact he’s a superhero! How can you beat that? My first mission is to rescue Erin Andrews from douchebags and make her Mrs. Iron Man-Stella. I’m on my way, Erin! |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: May 1 | April 24 | April 17 | April 10 | April 3 | March 27 | March 20 | March 13 | |
