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EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.
The once glorious and noble sport of horse racing had fallen on hard times at the start of the 21st century. A spate of freak, fatal accidents (most noticeably, Barbaro in 2006 and Eight Belles in 2008) captured the public's sympathies -- and outrage.
Intense scrutiny eventually led to changes, but not before more strange incidents brought low so many of these majestic beasts.
2011: Belmont favorite Baloney Express had the Triple Crown on the line, and was six lengths from victory when he broke two ankles and collapsed. All the other jockeys stopped their horses and dismounted, walked over to Baloney Express, and combined to pick him up and carry him across the finish line to thunderous applause from the grandstands. It was at first hailed as an incredible act of sportsmanship -- until it turned out all the other jockeys had money on him to win.
2012: NBC cancels plans to combine horse racing with its NHL coverage in the new sport, Horse Hockey. The network spent more money trying to cover up the fact that Preakness favorite Great Plumpkin froze solid when his stall was accidentally hooked up to the arena ice generator before an exhibition than it spent promoting the exhibition.
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| In the year 2015, the Kentucky Derby will revert to some harsh tactics to nab viewers. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
2018: NBC's Triple Crown national ratings reach an all-time low due to the staggering annual rate of in-race fatalities. However, the broadcast package is still a profitable one for the network, due to the generous sponsorship dollars supplied by Horse-B-Gone brand horse euthanizer.
2019: Soylent Plaid, a horse owned by author Stephen King, is the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby -- so much so that jealous opposing owners vow to do something about it. They rig Soylent Plaid's starting gate so that a bucket of blood would fall on its head at the start of the race. The prank goes exactly as planned. Unfortunately for every other horse in the field, a vengeful Soylent Plaid uses his psychic powers to make everyone who was laughing at him burst into flame. NBC quickly cuts off live coverage and reverts to a tale-delayed edition of an Arena Football game. NBC apologizes in a news release, but notes, "There was no way we could have predicted any of that happening."
2020: After retiring from a second-wind career as an NFL backup quarterback, Michael Vick announces his intention to become a race horse owner. One night, he is visited at his mansion by horse racing executives who gently but firmly suggest he reconsider this ambition -- but Vick holds firm. He reverses course the next morning when he awakes to find a severed pit bull head under the blood-soaked sheets at the foot of his bed.
2028: Straitkashhomey, a talking horse descendant of Mr. Ed, is found murdered in his stall on the eve of the Belmont Stakes. Theories, which are unproven to this day, center on a) it was a hit by the mob, which was afraid Straitkashhomey was about to talk to the FBI about what he knew about illegal gambling activities, or b) he was killed by Charlie Sheen, as revenge for when Straitkashhomey slept with his latest wife.
2033: After four straight years of no fatalities among the Triple Crown field, Fox News decides it will sponsor a contender named Domino Nuggets. Some observers think Fox News was backing a horse that had many health defects in hopes the stress of the race would result in an in-race death and thus generate endless hours of tearful media coverage. Fox denies such a stunt was in place, but did admit that the horse had a severe limp in both right legs, suffered from chills, the flu, bad breath and occasional irregularity, and was blind in one eye. OK, both eyes.
2036: After the first fatality-free Preakness in six years, there was much euphoria -- but that too proved short-lived. That night at the jockeys' luxury hotel, the fourth-place horse Studfinder drowned in the hotel pool following a celebratory game of water polo. The hotel sued all horse owners and jockeys involved, as the games of water polo violated in letter and in spirit the policy that is clearly demonstrated in its many "No Horseplay" signs.
2037: Horse racing challenges itself to an experiment of the ultimate humane solution to the horses' suffering: Robotic Horses. The first generation of RoboHorses is created and gets three years to prepare for the Kentucky Derby.
2040: The 3-year-old RoboHorses get their first shot at Churchill Downs. But the aluminum horses come out of the gate so quickly that they collide and crash with terrific force and demolish their metal frames. None of the horses can finish the race. The only humane solution is to put the RoboHorses out of their misery and recycle their aluminum.
2043: PETA finally puts its money where its mouth is. The group raises trillions in cash to buy all 17 horses in the Kentucky Derby field on the eve of the race. PETA promises that the horses will be trucked to the plains of Wyoming to run free for the rest of their days. But while exiting the Churchill Downs stables, that truck overturns and all 17 horses are killed. PETA sues itself, and is forced to declare bankruptcy.
