Hardy Vision: Lightning can't leave new coach in the dark

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

-- Mark Twain

You are supreme ... the chicks'll cream ... for greased lightning.

-- Danny Zuko, Grease

Which Original Six NHL franchise would most benefit by relocating to Florida?   14%  Boston Bruins     16%  New York Rangers     9%  Detroit Red Wings     28%  Chicago Blackhawks     12%  Montreal Canadiens     21%  Toronto Maple Leafs     Total Votes: 86

An Open Letter to Barry Melrose

Dear Barry,

Congratulations on accepting the job as new coach of the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning. My name ...

(Hold on, wait a second ... Author's note: I might be jumping the gun on declaring Barry Melrose is the next coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. But the point is, the previous coach is already fired, so there is a coaching vacancy in the Bay Area. At the very least, this exercise will divert the nation's focus on the Tampa Bay community from the latest Hulk Hogan family circus. So let's try this:)

To whom it may concern:

My name is Gregory Hardy, and I am a lifelong Tampa Bay Lightning hockey fan. And by lifetime, I mean the franchise's lifetime, not my lifetime. I'm 35, the Lightning started play in 1992. I just wanted to clarify this is being written by someone old enough to drive a Zamboni without a learner's permit.

Here in the Deep South, NHL hockey rivals only college football when it comes to fan loyalty, passion, knowledge of the game and rendezvous point for tailgating and moonshine guzzling.

Sunshine State hockey is all about tradition. We pass the love of the game from generation to generation, and trailer park to trailer park. So without further ado, here is some vital points of Tampa Bay Lightning lore:

• The Lightning are one of the league's famed Original Six franchises. Well, not an original Original Six franchise (and even they aren't really the NHL's original Original Six franchises).

Seen here accepting the award for "Man Mullet of the Year," Barry Melrose is the ideal coaching candidate. (Getty Images)

The Lightning is the first of the NHL's Original Six Florida franchises, of which at this writing there are merely two. Along with the Florida Panthers, we need expansion and/or relocation to bring us four more. I think we can target NHL outposts for St. Petersburg, Orlando, Jacksonville and Key West ... but not anywhere in the Panhandle. Feasibility study after feasibility study shows the Floribama demograph is not equipped financially or emotionally to support NHL action.

C'mon, roll these names off your tongue: The Orlando Maple Leafs ... the Jacksonville Canadiens ... the snowbird retirees from up north will be so excited, they'll wet their pants. Don't worry, they'll be well-diapered when that happens.

• The Tampa Bay Lightning are poised for a national following. They're already huge internationally.

Can you name the most famous Lightning fan in the word? That would be Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. Where do you think she got the lightning bolt scar idea? Not from actual supernatural lightning that can be generated from a magic wand or a malfunctioning Sno Cone machine, but from the Tampa Bay Lightning. A subtle clue is that the name of the Gryffindor Quidditch coach is Daren Puppa -- the same as the Lightning goalie who was a fan-favorite in the mid-'90s.

• OK, this one is aimed at Barry Melrose. I promise this is the only mullet comment I will make. But you, sir, are primed to form a corporate sponsorship with Spirit Airlines, which once tried a promotion of a "mullet fare." That's right, business fares in the front, "party" or vacation fares in the back. Why hasn't the Mullet Fare plan become an industry standard? No wonder the only profits airlines make are from the 10 gin-and-tonics I order every flight.

• The team plays in an arena that once upon a time was known by the cool, hockey-related name of the Ice Palace. Through corporate sponsorship, it is now known as the St. Pete Times Forum. Yup, it's sponsored by a daily newspaper -- the only American enterprise that generates a sexier buzz and a stronger economic outlook than a subprime mortgage lender who rents VHS tapes to SUV salesmen. The fact that a daily newspaper stepped up to shell out as the corporate sponsor should shed a little light about the state of the Bay Area economy.

• Before the Ice Palace/St. Pete Times Forum/YourHomeForLess-Hollywood Video-Hummer Arena existed, the team played in the baseball stadium where the Rays now play. Then it was called the Thunderdome. On opening night, Mel Gibson and Tina Turner dressed in their Mad Max costumes and fought each other to the death.

• ThunderBug might look like a cute and cuddly, kid-friendly mascot. But he made his bones when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers changed their uniforms from Creamsicle to pewter by killing former feather-hatted, winking pirate mascot Buccaneer Bruce in his sleep and throwing his carcass into the Gulf of Mexico.

• The Lightning has the first pick in Friday's draft ... please use it on Steven Stamkos ... click here for a wicked awesome trick goal he is capable of netting ... whatever you do, do not use the first pick for Darren McFadden ... I liked his speed, too, but you can always find a running back in the second round.

Tampa players celebrate another Rays' win and another step closer to the apocalypse. (Getty Images)

• The team is not above publicity stunts, such as starting a female goalie in an exhibition game. Other publicity stunts have included secretly plotting a lockout of the 2004-2005 season after winning the Stanley Cup, so that they actually owned the trophy for two years.

• The Tampa Bay Rays are trying to get an open air ball baseball park built. But don't you be tempted to try the outdoor hockey game gimmick the Buffalo Sabres pulled off New Year's Day. Then again, playing a game at Raymond James Stadium in 100-degree weather would set a world record for shortest hockey game ever.

• Please be aware that the Tampa Bay Rays are in contention for a playoff spot. That alone should serve as a Sign of the Apocalypse motivator. If the Rays make the World Series, civilization is staring at Sudden Death Overtime.

• Let's go Lightning (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) ... Let's go Lightning (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) ... Someone please hide Hulk Hogan (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) ...