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It's time for our final installment of All That and a Bag of Mail. On July 4, no less. After 1½ years of Friday mailbags, thanks to you guys for the spectacular e-mail. I've gotten so much great e-mail that I was never able to use all of it and I apologize if your name never appeared in this hallowed ground.
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As the final beaver pelt trader of the week, I'm snagging my dad, Norm Travis, who deserves pretty much all the credit for my interest in sports and for my generally optimistic outlook on life. My dad is still the only fan I know who can watch the most devastating defeat of his team and say within five minutes of the game being over, "Well, at least they played really hard." That's probably why he was also one of the greatest Little League coaches in Nashville history.
So thanks to my dad, our final beaver pelt trader of the week. Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Sean writes:
"On the same day that you announced your last true column on Sportsline, the equity with the NASDAQ Ticker symbol 'CLAY' halted trading due to a merger. I'm not sure if that is the most insane coincidence ever, or if it's just par for the course."
It's no coincidence. I move markets. Also, everyone who e-mails me, "Your gay," has no idea what the second half of your first sentence means. You might as well have written in Hebrew.
Alex writes:
"Clay -- If it really exists, please give us a glimpse of the column where Perrilloux and Miles talk about why they like The Hills. I think that sounds hilarious, and this is your last chance to write about the two of them together!"
From the second paragraph of the column:
Coach Miles: "See RP, you got to be careful who you surround yourself with. Take LC, at first she was good living with Heidi; Heidi knew her place, like you behind Flynn, learning the offense, learning where to look when the cameras were rolling, but then she got to gabbing too much and got outside her role. Met Spencer, thought he was running a more complicated defense than the cover two and when he didn't bite on the pump and go, she threw the pick. Now LC tries to make up for that mistake only she calls an audible against a shifting defensive front that's trying to disguise coverage and brings in Audrina as her new roommate. You know Audrina right RP?"
RP: "Naked white chick at the pool?"
Coach Miles: "No diggity RP, no diggity. Anyway, you got to remember, the option is your Stephen. You're always wanting to go back to it even if it isn't your best option. You're always saying, 'Let's run the option, Coach.' And I always have to say, 'No, RP, you got to make them trust your arm.' Does Stephen treat LC right?"
RP: "Hell no, coach. He's sunk up in the scene like he's a part of the scene but he's hiding in the scene."
Coach Miles: "Exactly. You got to be Brody Jenner. Gotta be multi-dimensional. Got to unleash the cannon." Anyway, there was much more but that's a pretty representative sample. I can't wait for Season 4 of The Hills. Apologies for how confusing this was to anyone who has never watched the show.
Heath Harrison writes:
"I have been reading your column for over a year, and have become a big fan. We share a similar sense of humor so I find the column hilarious. My wife, on the other hand, doesn't share the same sense of humor and finds many of the things that I think are funny to be gross or crude or ... you get the picture.
"On to the reason for my e-mail. In your recent article about the Oregon Trail game you stated that; 'if you are in your 20s or early 30s and don't have an Oregon Trail story from elementary school, there is a 100 percent chance I have no interest in talking to you.' I fit that demographic, but my school didn't have a computer in elementary. So I was unaware of this game's existence until your article. Not wanting to be shunned by the ClayNation, I searched out and found the Oregon Trail game. I now have my own Oregon Trail stories to share, and feel that I am a better man for it.
"I found the ClayNation bird in the game. The Great Tit makes an appearance at Fort Boise. I have a screenshot. The little girl appears to be pointing at it."
"Take a look and let me know if you agree. I'm not an avid bird watcher, but I know a Great Tit when I see one."
What's sad is I've also called my own wife to the screen to see this screen shot before. Also, if I'm not mistaken, there is some discreet Oregon Trail cleavage in another of the screen shots. There's no doubt about it Great Tits were migrating on the trail, too.
Brent writes:
"The real purpose of this e-mail is to confirm a much debated point in Dixieland Delight. When you were flying and sitting next to your law school buddy's wife Brenna, she told you that in 7th grade she had to run around a track with a tire being dragged by a rope. I went to Ensworth with Brenna. This happened. We had a dirt track and for PE we would put the rope around our waist and run a quarter mile dragging the tire behind us. We also did a weekly rope hang where we would hang by two rope loops for as long as we could in a competition. Hands bled. The man that made us do this was the hardest man I've ever known. He coached our middle school football team and would play scout team QB with no pads and insist that we tackle him full speed. He broke a different bone every practice and did not care. His name was Coach Robert Inman and he was a Tennessee Vol. Coach Inman passed a few years back but he is legendary in middle TN."
For those of you who didn't read Dixieland Delight, I didn't believe that any seventh-graders in Nashville private schools ever trained by dragging a tire affixed by rope around the track. I was wrong.
Fully grown men playing football against middle school boys is one of the great sketch ideas that's never come to fruition. Maybe we can set this up over at Deadspin. I go out to play a game against pee-wee footballers wearing no pads and see how many of them it takes to tackle me. Could I dominate? Would I be like Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl? Could I get the corner every single play? This would be fun to try out.
Ben writes:
"As a one-time resident of Baton Rouge, I feel obliged to explain the Kittens mascot of Southern Lab where Chad Jones went. It's a K-12 private school on Southern University's campus. I think the College of Education at Southern University founded it and runs it. It's kind of a training ground for education majors. A group of education students comes in every semester and teaches to get some experience. Since Southern University's mascot is the Jaguars, SULAB got stuck with the Kittens. LSU has the same thing set up with the LSU Lab School or U-High as it's legitimately called in Baton Rouge. Since LSU is the Tigers, U-High's mascot is the Cubs. I was a Cub for two years, but it was in middle school so it wasn't as humiliating. One famous alum of U-High? Glen 'Big Baby' Davis. That's right. Glen Davis was a Cub in high school."
I understand that it's the K-12 school of Southern University but I still say why kittens? Couldn't they be the Junior Jaguars or the Juvenile Jags? They need a contest to rename the school's mascot. What I'm getting at is that no post-pubescent boy should be forced to play for a team with a kitten mascot. It's demeaning. Like the Washington Redskins name is to Native Americans. Well, not that bad, but close. And more effeminate.
Chuck Wagner writes:
"I have to agree the Ole Miss women are the cream of the crop. I noticed your comment about the guy/girl ratio at UNC and would like to point-out that the College of Charleston ratio is guy/girl ratio is even higher 35/65. If you have never been there, what they lack in athletics (no football team) they more than make up for in the quality of their women. I would say they are a close rival to Ole Miss. Perhaps you and Fox ought to make a road trip there next basketball season?"
Great idea on the road trip. It's every wife's dream for her husband to start pointing out hot girls to their infant son. But you're correct that College of Charleston is a sleeping giant for several reasons. First, Charleston is an absolute jewel of a town. If you haven't been, you need to go. I can't wait to run over there for a day or two when UT plays South Carolina this fall. Second, the campus is right downtown, is growing, and everything seems brand new. Third, when I visited it was Halloween and there were more girls in naughty costumes per capita than any college I've ever visited before. There were hardly any guys. It was like the beginning of a Cinemax movie.
Fourth ... Screw it, you guys don't need any more reasons. Basically College of Charleston should be on your radar screen as a sleeper college.
Joshua Smith writes:
"Clay, my brother is in the U.S. Army, just returned from Afghanistan. We grew up in Northwest Florida, but the family is originally from Alabama. Your classic split Auburn-Alabama family. I grew up an Auburn fan like my dad, he an Alabama fan like my mom. After high school though, I went to Troy and became a Trojan through and through, while a year later my brother enlisted and is still a 'Bama fan. He's being discharged soon, but his wife, originally from Texas, who is in the Army has reenlisted and they are moving to Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, Alabama.
"My brother recently gave his wife a copy of Dixieland Delight and told her that upon entering the state she has 48 hours to choose: Auburn or Alabama. I told them that she should choose Troy instead. Of the four Division I-A schools in Alabama, no member of the family has attended either Auburn or Alabama, however, myself, my mother and my father all attended Troy. I think if she were to choose any school, it should be my Trojans! Do you think she's bound to choose an SEC school?"
First, it's my understanding that everyone who lives in Alabama has to choose either Alabama or Auburn to root for. So even if she picks Troy as her rooting interest, she has to choose one of the SEC schools to root for or else she's not safe living in the state.
Now, breaking this down further, your brother's wife doesn't have a strong affiliation for either Alabama or Auburn, and he's encouraging her to pick freely even though he's an Alabama fan? He's playing with fire here. The only thing worse than losing six times in a row to Auburn is losing seven times in a row and having to hear about it from a woman who has a claim on half of your living assets. I think the wife has to go 'Bama just to keep the house safe.
Now, if she were born an Auburn fan, she'd clearly not be able to abandon Auburn just because she married a 'Bama fan, but picking Auburn it seems to me she'd be doing it just out of spite. Which is not allowed. You can't become a fan just to make another fan angry. That makes you an anti-fan.
As for Troy: I think she has to root for Troy in every game but when it plays Alabama. This is because she has no pre-existing fan loyalties (and clearly isn't going to be a rabid Alabama or Auburn fan anyway) so she's effectively a clean slate and can help out the family loyalty by rooting for Troy regardless of her SEC pick.
Gabe writes:
"In reference to Liz Hyon's e-mail about pan-Southernism and the Yankee use of the word y'all, I believe a true test of Southernism involves using the double plural, all y'all. Yes, it defeats the purpose of saying y'all, but is in every Southerner's lexicon, whether he or she uses it or not. And it should be pronounced, awl y'awl. Just curious if you had considered this as a tenet of Southernism/pan-Southernism. Thanks."
Yes, "all y'all" is a clear sign that you are from the South. Because if you're not from the South, you won't say it because it sounds ridiculous.
Like I've said before, Yankees use y'all with a slight pause before they break out the word. As if they want to make sure that you're hearing them use the word. This is how I imagine you would enter a Cherokee camp if you were a white guy like Sam Houston who had made friends with the tribe. You'd move slowly, pause, and then throw out the most common Cherokee word louder than necessary so you weren't scalped.
Excellent point, though. Effective use of "all y'all" is even more indicative of pan-Southernism than y'all is. And now, I've got to bid all y'all goodbye as I make the jump over to help colonize the Southerners of Deadspin.