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"Yo, GeePee, you (bleep), what the (bleep) do you think you're doing out here with that (bleep)? Like you can pull that (bleep) on me. Get that (bleep) outta here."

"Now Tim, I know why you talking (bleep) to me now. That's cuz you ain't got (bleep) no more, so you've got to talk (bleep) just to try and stay in the game. Well, that (bleep) ain't gonna work with me neither, so you can take your (bleep) somewhere else."

And if you really want to get something different from the NBA, perhaps they will let us hear what the sacred cow officials have to say to each other at halftime in their locker room.

"C'mon Steve, you didn't have to give 'Sheed another technical.

"Don't tell me what to do. He blinked twice at me when I called that foul. I won't be made a fool of like that. Next time he blinks twice at me, he's gone. And I'll get him every game I see him if he doesn't stop. I don't care if I have to kick him out of every game of his I do."

Not that officials carry grudges ...

OK, maybe NBA action hasn't come to this, but cheap thrills have become a dominant player in every game. Heat coach Pat Riley, whose team played the "A" game Sunday against the Lakers on NBC, refused to wear a live microphone that could be edited for profanity. Now there is talk of a fine coming.

So this is what it has come to?

First we deal with the only work stoppage in NBA history last season, and now they want live mikes? We didn't like Cheap Trick as a band, now we have to deal with cheap tricks as a way to pump up NBA games?

Granted, revenues have flattened internationally on licensed products in the wake of last season's lockout. Television ratings are down, empty seats are multiplying in arenas from coast-to-coast, and there are players like John Starks refusing to play for a team he was traded to because he wants his contract voided in March so he can go play for a better team.

If that's the case, why don't they just let the Wizards finish out the year in the Continental Basketball Association so they could possibly earn their first playoff game victory in 12 years.

It would be wrong to single out the NBA as the originators of the ludicrous loud music and advertisements, the pregame explosions and light shows. The NFL is just as bad these days, and some baseball teams set off fireworks every time somebody hits a home run. Evidently, this is a byproduct of the younger generation -- the MTV generation -- requiring just a little more oomph to stay interested.

But whatever happened to focusing on the game itself? All of a sudden, it's like watching The Ed Sullivan Show during every time out ... "For my next act, I will balance and spin Shaquille O'Neal on my right index finger, bounce Muggsy Bogues off my head, kick Oliver Miller into the basket on the south end, all the while whistling Sweet Georgia Brown.

It's impossible not to agree with Pat Riley. Same goes for Larry Bird or any other coach who refuses to quietly accept this ludicrous turn of events. They have made millions of dollars and will continue to do so as a result of their success in the NBA, but should the league have the ability to turn them into a sideshow?

Vince Carter is a special talent, so the NBA is marketing the Raptors guard to bring enthusiasm back to the game.(AP)

These coaches build their lives around winning basketball games. There are no greater competitors among coaches than Riley and Bird. On the other hand, it isn't fair to single them out as the only two ... just the first two who refused the NBA edict. Just imagine if coaches have to stop and consider what they're saying because they're wired; so much for spontaneity. They should not be distracted just for the sake of "good theater."

It's one thing to toss Raptors star Vince Carter in the NBA marketing machine and pump him up like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. Carter is a special talent, and the league is looking for every special talent possible to rekindle lost enthusiasm for the game. They can only show the Lakers and Knicks on television so many times.

But when they start wiring coaches while trying to turn games into a hoops lovefest that will capture a new audience (or, more precisely, bring back some of those fans lost), then they are woefully misdirected. If Riley or Bird get fined for failing to adhere to the directive, the problems of the NBA are worse than we originally feared.

Next thing you know, Jerry Springer will begin his tour of halftime shows, pulling young lovelies out of the crowd to climb up a stepladder to the rim, call one particularly athletic player from each team back onto the floor and introduce the latest craze: "Women who love to be dunked on."

Now that's entertainment!