By Sandra Loosemore
CBS SportsLine Figure Skating Writer
Jan. 16, 1999

According to the ratings, figure skating is the second most popular TV sport, after pro football. But what would happen if TV covered football the same way it covers figure skating?

Here are just a few scenarios:

1. There would be a lot less football on TV

In a football-as-figure-skating world, the only NFL game shown live would be the Pro Bowl (the NFL's all-star game). The Super Bowl would be seen on 14-hour tape delay, and the playoffs would not be covered at all.

If the NFL were televised like figure skating, Terry Bradshaw -- who used to be married to JoJo Starbuck -- would probably be allowed to be goofier than he already is. (Allsport)

The handful of regular-season games that would be televised would also be shown on tape, but weeks or months after those games actually happened. These taped games would also be televised in random order so that, when watching them, viewers would have no sense as to which teams were in the middle of winning or losing streaks, or whether players were recovering from injuries or not.

2. There would be a lot of silly, special-event football games

Instead of televising more regular-season games, the networks would pay the NFL to put on more "games" featuring star players who would receive large appearance fees for participating.

These "games" would be played under more relaxed rules so that the players wouldn't have to work so hard for their money. In these games, for example, both teams would automatically start out with 20 points, and the game would be officiated by uninformed celebrities instead of stuffy referees who merely follow the rulebook. After all, playing by the rules is really boring, isn't it?

During the broadcast, the football commentators would make a point of saying over and over how wonderful these star players are, if only to keep viewers from noticing that they aren't actually playing good football.

3. Games would be edited for television

NFL games shown on tape delay would be heavily edited to show only the important highlights or plays involving well-known stars. For those games shown live, only the last half of the game would be televised. If a critical play happens in the first half, that's just too bad.

The TV cameras wouldn't even be running at that point, so there wouldn't be clips to show later in the broadcast.

4. More up-close-and-personal features

The NFL broadcasts would also cut away from the game frequently to show taped features about the top athletes, including tear-jerkers on the players' tragic life stories or personal traumas, such as a messy divorce or palimony suit.

In these interviews, players would be asked to comment on such salient performance-related issues as a new haircut. TV cameras crews would also follow the players around while they shop, and there would be videos in which the athletes lip-synch and dance to popular music while dressed in fashionable street clothes.

The broadcast would include numerous, lingering shots of players lacing up their shoes and putting on their helmets in preparation for the game, and of their anxious families sitting in the stands. Players with small children would be asked to make them available for the television cameras at every game.

If a really well-known player wasn't in the particular game being televised, the networks would break away from that game to show a taped interview with him anyway, as well as showing extensive video clips of him playing in previous, unrelated games.

After every critical play, there would be a timeout called so an interview could be taped for later in the broadcast. The interviewers would show players a slow-motion replay and ask them questions such as, "What were you thinking when you fumbled the ball?" or "How do you feel about your performance today?"

5. No more insider stuff

All technical football analysis, including explanation of the rules, diagramming of plays and discussion of team strategy, would be eliminated from the broadcast because that sort of thing is just too hard for viewers to understand.

Instead, technical analysis during the broadcast would be limited to reminding viewers that the rules are too complicated to explain, and who cares about them anyway?

When forced to address technical issues, commentators would consistently use the incorrect terminology for essential elements of the rules and scoring.

6. Truly insightful commentary

It would be important for the NFL color commentators to start a new practice of gushing over the players' uniforms. Or they could show their erudition by slightly altering many actual figure-skating analysts' remarks. Consider these:

• "He plays with a great deal of flair, in the style of the romantic poet Lord Byron."
  
  
• "He looks like the quintessential Renaissance 'David.' Wouldn't Michelangelo have liked to sculpt him?"
  
  
• Commentators lacking a Harvard education would have to make do with profound remarks like, "His greatest strength is that he's so strong!"

7. No worrying about the games at hand

While play is in progress on the field, our NFL commentators will also remind us of the players' life stories (just in case we missed the taped fluff piece about it). If the game happens to be on the same network as the Super Bowl, the commentators will reminisce about what the players did in the last Super Bowl instead of discussing the action on the field right in front of them.

During particularly critical parts of the game, the commentators would also chatter about monumental issues, including the players' nicknames and how they got them.

And so on ...

ASK ANY FOOTBALL FAN IF he or she would like the NFL to be treated this way. And then explain to them that this is how television often trivializes the sport of figure skating.

Now imagine a world in which television covered figure skating the same way it covers football. Here's what we could expect under those circumstances: